I am still here.

I am far from well but not currently in the same level of panic I was at the time of the previous post. I am however extremely hopeless and depressed and almost constantly feel like I'm asleep and dreaming. Nothing in the universe has any real importance anymore. The only thing that keeps me going is fear of death, pain, and discomfort. Finding any sense of peace and satisfaction seems logically impossible after my realization. The only thing that makes me feel any sense of reality and comfort are hugs from my mother, but she can't be with me all the time because she has other commitments.


I have had to take disability leave from work because I am so unstable. The tiniest stressors are now overwhelming. I had numerous additional panic attacks the days following my initial one in the previous post. I was dependent on prescription anti-anxiety meds for sleep for several days. I tried an SSRI from my doctor and it gave me a manic episode. I tried caffeine the next day and it caused a similar effect. People keep saying I need to find some kind of anti-depressant before I will be psychologically functional enough to tackle the enormity of the subject matter that led to my initial panic attack.


As for my commitment to my worldview, I can't ignore my own direct life-long constant experience. I also can't ignore years of study that point to the fact that you can never really know whether or what is beyond our own perception, and the general dependence that reality has on perception.

As for doing healthy things like tai chi and yoga and such, I am currently very limited because of my living and financial circumstances. I also have a massive lipoma (non-cancerous fatty tumor) growing in my left shoulder that causes pain with extended movement. I need to schedule a surgery to get it removed.

[EDIT] I forgot to mention the all-encompasing feeling of isolation. What I realized has left me with the profound feeling that nobody around me is real; like everybody is just a small step above characters in a dream, and not far removed from computer simulations. That being said, I crave being in people's presence now more than ever before, and I have found that I actually sleep better when I know I am surrounded by other people, like when I sleep in the living room. I am afraid to sleep in my own bed. But when I do finally get to sleep, I never want to wake up. I want to remain unconcious for as long as possible so I don't have to be aware of the horror of reality.

[EDIT 2] All of these experiences are exacerbated by all the death and suffering in my family, who are the only people in my life at this point who I feel any sense of connection to. Every one of them is overwhelmed and likely depressed. This is the result of tragic deaths of many people close to us. It strongly emphasizes how close we all are to death and how little it would take for my family to completely tragically collapse.


I am now almost 100% dependent on my mother, after having lived many years totally independent and on my own. If anything happened to her now (which I have much reason to fear will happen) then I fear neither I or anyone else in my family would survive for much longer thereafter.


I have been spending most of my time simply trying to find pleasure in my existence in any way I can. Mostly by watching youtube, playing video games, and using AI to generate porn...much the way I did before the panic attack, only now it feels like its become even more obsessive and necessary for maintaining emotional stability and preventing more panic attacks

[EDIT 3] Recent political events have also contributed to my feelings of despair and hopelessness and fear. The new administration is very likely to discontinue government services that I depend on, as well as make the economy even more difficult for me and my family to navigate. (We are not well off and frequently are met with financial difficulty.)