My stance on these type of statements: she has inflicted an inordinate amount of pain, guilt, and harm on you and the kids, that you are still reeling from today.

You can have compassion for someone who is disordered yes, but to me, that compassion has a limit.

This is all on her and her poor treatment of you and the kids that went on for YEARS. She has done this to herself.

So, yes, while she may have a mental illness, she is well aware of her actions because she can turn it off and on like a switch. She knows what she is doing, and her behaviors are all self serving. She does not care one ounce how her actions impact you or the kids. That is the nature of the abusive personality.

So, my friend, compassion goes only so far and then there's accountability.

I will share a story to demonstrate my point.

My ex husband cried his eyes out to me the last time I kicked him out of our home - I kicked him out for fighting with me for 6 weeks straight and for breaking a promise made to me, yet again. This was the last promise I swore I would ever let him make to me, and he broke it.

I stood in the kitchen watching him, as tears and snot ran down his face and as he bawled and cried out to me. The only words I could mutter to him at the time were "you did this to yourself".

That memory is burned into my brain. At one point after our divorce, I felt awful about seeing him cry like that and for being cold as ice as I watched him cry.

That's where compassion has its limits.

My ex husband lied to me repeatedly, he insulted me repeatedly, with cruel so- called "jokes", he demeaned me, he cheated on me, he stole from me, and he screamed at me. He broke promise after promise to me in our marriage. He broke me, my faith, and my trust. I wanted to die. That's how horrible he made me feel. To add insult to injury, he kicked me repeatedly whenever I was down. I was this man's emotional punching bag. Well, I finally had had enough and kicked him out for the last time.

So, while at times I may cringe over that memory, I also remember exactly how I felt at the time, standing there in the kitchen doorway watching him cry and pack his things. I felt cold. This man had done SO much damage, that I had no more compassion left for him. I didn't feel sorry for him then, or really even now. Had he behaved in a manner that communicated true love, true caring, true respect, true honesty and true loyalty to me, then it would have turned out very differently.

So, my friend, the point of this story is that yes, you can be compassionate, but be mindful of the need for 100% accountability for her harmful actions towards you and the kids. You endured decades of abuse.

No, you don't need to cause her harm, and I get that you don't want to. That's because you're a good-hearted person and a caring one.

But she did this to herself and must be held accountable, even if she never owns up to her behaviors verbally to you, she can be held accountable for her behavior in your mind and your stance about the marriage today.

So don't feel too sorry for her. Be mindful and be realistic vs idealistic.