@RDMercer, thank you. Think of my story as being different yet similar to yours and all that you have suffered with your ex's mistreatment of you and your kids - but for many more years than I had to endure.

Yes, it's very difficult to read - I think it's even more difficult to face square on and to accept the reality in full.

How can someone you loved be so cruel and so horrible? It can't possibly be true or as bad as I/you think it was. This is the phase of questioning yourself, and that comes from all the gaslighting and from all the blaming and deflection of blame.

It WAS that bad - and that's where acceptance comes into play in the healing and recovery process. It's a matter of adopting radical acceptance of the sheer horror.

The more you face it, accept it, and understand it as being the TRUTH vs questioning yourself, your perceptions, and reality, the better off you will be and you will heal and recover that much more quickly.

She is not who you think she was/is. The worst you've seen come out in her is the real person underneath.