Hey.

I totally get it.

When a solid, loving person finds a disruptive partner, we often carryover stuff from our child hood.

Me - farm boy. I took seven years to get through college because I paid my way working in residential construction, road construction, and even mining. I also did a lot of martial arts, MMA, and weight training. You might think I was an assertive "alpha male". Nope. I kissed my wife's butt trying to have peace. I wanted her to feel safe. I wanted love and closeness, I wanted peace. In the presence of stress there are three responses: fight, flee, fawn.

Fawn is when you make yourself vulnerable and basically beg the person to stop hurting you.

What you just described is a fawn response. I did it all the time for years. "Please, have this personal thing that I created for you out of love, and maybe give me some part of you in return."

Step 1 is, you have to stop that.

Step 2 is, no calls. Assume that every interaction can end up in court, or be used against you in a smear campaign.

My ex stole a ton of money from our household, and caused SO MUCH disruption and pain.

Recently she pulled off this highly staged thing.... She arrived at the house looking simply amazing, with a new car, with a new guy, caught me by complete surprise at the front door, demanded to talk to our daughter, gave daughter $100 and offered to buy her a new phone and phone plan and set her up with privacy apps so her father (me) can't monitor her!

This is a woman who stole the funds for the same kid's college savings, and bottomed our line of credit and hasn't made a payment, and hasn't asked a single question about either kid in over a year!

When I told my therapist about this she said, "You need a doorbell camera. Count on it that she recorded that interaction. That was done to create a response/reaction in you and make her look good."

Boundaries my guy. Step one, the fawn response stops.

Like my lawyer friend said, "If you are hoping to get her back, you never negotiate from a place of weakness."

Start the process in your mind of becoming something stronger. She is draining you, like an emotional vampire. As soon as you shut that off, you WILL start to feel stronger.

There's a pattern with this stuff. When you are around someone who makes you feel like there is no right answer you slip into hopelessness. I am 22 months separated. Last month I slipped into it again. The hopeless times get shorter, and the hopeful times get longer.

I'm worried about you. I really am.

But I'm telling you, Eskie Lover, ArmorPlate108, Have Hope, and others on this board have been there before me and you. They helped me and taught me so much, and I think they are so strong.


RDMercer