Hi cutman,

Welcome to the boards. I'm sorry about the situation you're in, but hopefully you'll feel a little less alone here.

Losing yourself, your identity, in a less than healthy relationship seems to be pretty common.

That's a lot of where I am in my healing- essentially rediscovering who I am- though I'm doing it while treading water to some extent. Still in a marriage that isn't much of a marriage, but learning that I can take care of myself, and love myself, despite the current circumstances. It's a slow process sometimes though.

Anyhow, in unhealthy relationships, it's fairly common for there to be an imbalance of effort. One person becomes a giver, while the other person becomes a taker. Slowly, over time, the giver gives more and more to the relationship, while the taker keeps on taking without giving much in return. In this imbalance, the giver cuts more and more interests/friends/etc out of their life, in order to placate or do more for the taker. Eventually you can find yourself tapped out from giving too much, and wondering what the heck happened, and where YOUR real life went.

Don't know if you can relate to that, but that's what happened to me. As things got busier with a house, a kid, additional family and health issues, I took on more and more to keep everything running. The things that ended up giving were "me things" that seemed the easiest to give up, but have cost me dearly in the long run to lose. Especially when my H should have been pulling his share of weight so my individuated life didn't have to fall by the wayside.

Again, don't know if that pertains to your situation, but it's a pretty common scenario.

I hope you'll take the opportunity to start reconnecting with yourself, and doing those things that you enjoy again.

Not every day is easy. It's definitely one day at a time sometimes.

Keep on keeping on.