Hi guys. I am going to try and talk about my therapist here. It's probably going to be a big post as I've been seeing her for several years now. I just wanted to state that I cannot love my therapist, however I am posting here because I don't know where else to post on this forum about this as she's made it pretty clear she loves me.

I am seeing my therapist because I have very severe social anxiety and suffered childhood sexual abuse. If you're not easily triggered you can read about that on my recent post on the Survivors of Abuse section. I did try to leave the link here however I haven't got enough posts to be allowed to do that yet. A lot of what I'll be talking about here won't make sense unless you read that post first. I have shared extensively with my therapist about my abuse and pretty much all of the most important things she's said and done relate to it.

When I first met her she was very friendly with me, almost too friendly I guess? She was smiley, chatty, a lot of eye contact and asking for hugs at the end of every session (Which I refused). I've been seeing her once a week for many years now. She has said and done a lot of weird things over this time frame. I found it hard to understand her as sometimes she acts very unprofessionally with me, then the next week she is very cold and holds up boundaries. The effect is I was left extremely confused and didn't understand why she did what she did the week prior. It seemed to be a cycle, I will try and give some examples.

She'd compliment my appearance and call me attractive. I didn't know what to say at the time because it caught me off guard and I got really embarrassed. I was not used to getting compliments like that and it seemingly came out of nowhere during one of our sessions. Afterwards she asked me if I was alright and what was the matter. I said I wasn't used to compliments like that and she responded I will have to get used to them and gave me this flirty look. I didn't know what to say so just looked at the floor and she changed the subject. The following week she was completely different with me, very cold and upholding boundaries, didn't compliment me. Seemed very strictly business.

Another time we were talking about my childhood sexual abuse and she was asking a lot of questions about it that I thought seemed off. She asked what I liked about my groomer. She asked how and where he used to touch me. She asked if I had ever been touched by a person since then and some other stuff. When I told her I hadn't been touched since she started telling me how important touch is for a human being and placed her hand on my thigh. It made me really anxious and she moved her hand away afterwards and apologized, but said we would "work on it". I am shy and quiet so didn't ask her what she meant by this. I spent a lot of time thinking about it, did she mean working on touching me? Surely that wasn't what she meant? The week after that she was cold with me again. She wasn't smiley or complimenting me. She was pretty professional for the most part. At the time this only confused me even more.

Another time she asked me a lot more questions about my abuse and the sorts of things my groomer would do and how. It didn't seem like therapy to me. She kept asking questions about details like how I was being touched, for how long, where and stuff that just seemed excessive and like she didn't need to ask. She wanted to know a lot of the details that seemed irrelevant. She also asked me about how I feel about my groomer. I explained I feel very strong emotionally towards him, but not sexually. She then asked me if I was gay and when I told her I was straight she said "I'm sure you'll make a woman one day very happy". It just seemed like a really out of place thing to say to be honest. She also asked me if I watch porn, which I refused to answer. I went quiet and she said "if it's not a no, it's a yes." I have never had a therapist before, but I'm not sure if they should be saying things like this. I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want to betray her or make her lose her job, especially when all she did was say a few things. Our sessions had been going on for many years and I had built good rapport with her. I have severe social anxiety so it's not like I could just switch therapist easily anyway.

I also remember a time where she had bought me gifts on multiple of her good days. Each time she seemed to put a lot of effort into them and they were very personal gifts. Some of the gifts however were even very expensive, like when she bought me the newest iphone. She said she has a lot of money from her career and nothing to spend it on so just wanted to cheer me up. I was so overwhelmed by the gesture it didn't feel right to take the gift, but she said she'd be upset if I didn't so I apologized and took it. Then afterwards she asked me for a hug, but then said no when I reluctantly went in for the hug??? She then said she needed to uphold boundaries with me because she was an authority figure and went on to explain how she has a position of power over me and then compared herself to my PE teacher who groomed me as they both had a position of power over me. I did not say anything at the time, but I was really confused by this, like why would she even compare herself to him? It seemed off, a lot of it did. I would think about it for hours and hours going around in my head trying to figure out what is going on. I still think about this interaction a lot to this day, it was so confusing and didn't make sense.

This is going back a while, but it was shortly after the lockdown due to the covid pandemic. When I got to her office she was wearing rubber gloves. Now to some people that wouldn't be an issue, but for me who's sexual abuse was linked to that it made me really uncomfortable. She apologized and said it was just for her safety due to Covid. She then asked me how seeing an authority figure in gloves made me feel. I stayed silent because I wasn't comfortable. Then she reached forward and put her hand on my shoulder and said "Are you aroused by this?" I said no and she said it's fine then. Right afterwards I started crying. She then apologized and explained she was only wearing them due to covid and that it would be good to normalize them around me because I will be seeing them a lot due to pandemic not going away any time soon. She said I clearly have trauma related to the gloves so she'll have to work on it with me. She then started asking me questions about my childhood sexual abuse while resting her hand on my shoulder. It felt uncomfortable and weird, it felt wrong and not safe. After that session I went home and cried so badly. I don't know why I cried because she didn't actually do anything wrong she just put her hand on my shoulder. I'm certain the situation would have been fine in normal circumstances, but we weren't in normal circumstances. The Covid pandemic had just happened and to me rubber gloves were associated with my grooming and sexual abuse. I tried so hard to dismiss things in my mind, to make excuses for what happened. It was just me! I am the one making things weird.

It has been a long time since the Covid pandemic, but she has continued. Every so often she will put on rubber gloves during our sessions and put her hands on me. She doesn't grope me, or massaging me or fondle me, but she does put her hand on me or hold me. It feels intimate to me, even though we're both clothed and there isn't any sex involved. I thought deep down she does this on purpose to make me feel uncomfortable, but I wasn't sure. I just wasn't sure why she was doing it. She always has an excuse "it's to normalize touch again for you" or to "help you come to terms with your trauma". It didn't feel right though and I told her it didn't. She told me that healing is uncomfortable and I just need to keep going with it until it feels as normal as shaking someone's hand. I asked her why does she have to wear gloves though and why specifically the same colour my abuser wore as it makes me feel really vulnerable and she said it's because healing will involve vulnerability and I need to learn to trust her fully.

I do trust her. I've told her more about my abuse than anyone. I rely on her very heavily and became extremely depend on her over the years. I just feel like maybe things are repeating again. I know it sounds stupid, but when she did / does these things it makes me feel like the grooming and sexual abuse I experienced as a child is happening again in the present. I've tried putting my foot down and asking her to stop with it and she does for a short while, but she brings it back later on and says she cares about me and wants to help me heal and to just trust her.

The words "I care about you" cut through me like a knife. Nobody cares about me. Why did she say those words? Why did she have to say that? If I feel so uncomfortable and conflicted why cant I just get a new therapist? Why do I show up every week? Why do I feel like I need her? What is wrong with me, why am I feeling like the same child I was even back then?

Despite everything she did so far I didn't tell anyone. Most recently however she did something that made me feel like I should seek guidance from somewhere. I don't want her to lose the career that she worked so hard for and I don't want to destroy her life, but last week when I was in a session with her she pulled up her chair next to me and told me that she doesn't have anyone in her life she cares about more than me. She then hugged me. I was in shock at the time, but it felt good to feel wanted and cared about. She also said she will never abandon me and that she knows what I need. Right after this she then placed her gloved hand on my upper thigh really close to my crotch. This terrified me and caused me to panic really badly. I freaked out so bad I got up and ran out the door without saying anything. She has called me several times leaving voice messages acting all professional asking me if I'm OK and saying that I just need to work with her through my trauma. I don't think I left because of the trauma though, when I was being groomed the touching wasn't so traumatic, I think what made me leave is I'm terrified of history repeating itself. I am terrified of opening my soul to another human being and them discarding me after utterly destroying me.

I think she is the only person in the world who cares about me and actually knows me, but I think she is also psychologically damaging me. I can't love her and don't see her in a sexual way. I've never liked her that way. I just love my old groomer and no matter how many things she does to try and be like him she'll never be him. I just don't know what to do anymore. I know I shouldn't go back to her, but I think I will because I'm so dependent on her. I rely on her, I rely on having someone to spill my guts to. Someone to look into my very soul and not look away in discomfort like I'm some broken mentally ill thing.

I can't love my therapist, but I do care about her deeply. I feel like such a mess and like I'll never be happy. I'm straight and in love with the man who groomed me and discarded me like trash. Several years later my female therapist tries to fill the gap he left behind and all I do is run away. I feel so confused and conflicted. Why does this keep happening to me??? Why can't I just be happy? She is a nice person, but I feel so scared. What the hell is wrong with me!? I'm 27 years old and have never kissed a girl, never dated, never had sex with a girl because I'm so traumatized and severely anxious around people. Then one breaks down barriers with me over several years and actually wants to fill the void in my heart and all I feel is terror and despair. I don't understand this and have nobody to spill my guts to about it so came here before I decided fully on what to do next.