Yeah, at this point I have no clue about anything. I don't know what's real, what's wrong or right. I know I wanted to be with her in this place forever. I'm starting to believe love is not real, that I was foolish. My life was for nothing. 34 years of nothing. I'm left confused. I became who I thought she wanted, and now I'm alone wondering who gives a fk about me. Why am I here? My dog doesn't look happy anymore, I don't walk him. I'm sure he misses her.

In my mind I understand that I need to do something. And I plan to, just can't seem to make the actual physical effort.

She watched me kill myself securing our kids college fund and after I get them both to college is when I notice a change, not long after my son. I devoted my life getting their college fund for them, I figured we'd have more time for us later, after the kids are gone. I was busy with this for about 30 years of the 34 years, up until about 5 or 6 years ago(when my son went to college) when things went slowly downhill. I'm thinking she was planning her escape before she started "talking" to that younger guy at work. I feel used. Joke's on me.