I think I have strong codependent tendencies.

It’s important to me to not generalize things. I won’t let myself think like that. There are good women. There are good men. There are good marriages. Love is real. I won’t let myself indulge any other thought.

When we split the kids were 19 and 14. I’ve been their only support since.

My friends have found my wife on dating apps. She flew to a concert for a 4-day weekend with a man a month after we split. Some of her friends also told me she had a man finance her apartment, damage deposit, etc.

Emotionally I want to believe she loved me and this is hard for her too. Rationally, she’d built a safety net before we separated and has been playing the field since. Our son also saw her out with a man before we separated and saw her out several times when she said she was working.

I am not dating. Early after my separation I had a woman, a good woman, express strong interest in me. But I needed to work on my codependency and she too had left a marriage where she was used and dumped. We talk a few times a week, but that’s it. She’s become a close friend but that’s it.

My wife and I knew each other since we were late teens. She’s attractive and I still see her as she was back then. It’s been hard to let go of those feelings. I mourned them. Chasing them away or ignoring them or moving on wasn’t the right choice. I actually had to give in to them and just be depressed for a while.

I’ve wished I was partnered often. But it’s healthier to be alone and more stable for me and the kids.

A year ago I was deeply hurting about this. Yesterday a coworker said “I think my wife hates me. Can you relate?” And WE ALL laughed our butts off. It was genuinely funny to me.

In my case, it’s not women, or love, or marriage, or relationships, or even me I have to view poorly. I’m not carrying that, and I’m not carrying bitterness. It’’s her. She screwed me over. And even THAT I’m not bitter about most days. She’s damaged.

A drowning person will climb on top of you to stay afloat. My wife couldn’t navigate life. I was a good raft until I started to sink.