My elderly dad has been identified as having some cognitive impairment, not dementia, or not yet anyway. Most of the time he’s fine, he’s got memory issues which are subtle but obvious to me, and close family.

Growing up dad had a temper, as a kid I didn’t question it, as an adult I knew better and had enough knowledge and distance to see that he could have worked to manage his temper better instead of us all running for cover every time we went over a mark which set him off. I assumed I was to blame, it was because I was a bad kid, and there off was a lifetime of self blame in all sorts of situations.

Anyhow he did mellow especially no longer having children at home and then retiring. But we’d see flashes, and even as an adult they could still reduce me to tears. But gradually I’d say they petered out.

Except I’m wondering if with the cognitive issues we’re going to get a return of the temper. Pointless speculating, no one knows how it will go. Except last week I saw a flash. It shocked me and I felt extremely uncomfortable and unsure of what to do.

I did respond calmly, I said I was going indoors because I had things to do and I’d wait for him in there. It seemed to work. But I was shaken, there I was middle aged woman being shouted at by my elderly father, almost like he was trying to recreate that dynamic of bullying someone with sheer volume and aggression. Essentially it felt the same.

A long time ago I had a good therapist (more recently I was given a less skilled one) and she explained I was no longer that child but I could look at her with compassion and distance, knowing I was a full grown woman with my own family now. It was good advice.

But…. In that moment it feels horrible. I did stay calm but only because I was about to deliver an activity session for some people who were depending upon me, where we were all civil adults. If I hadn’t I may have disintegrated in that moment because he seems to be able to push buttons with his temper. That sounds like I think he’s manipulative, I don’t, I believe he was never guided and taught the skills to manage emotions. I believe his own father was likely a bully from what I’ve heard, although he too mellowed.

If anyone wants to share thoughts about techniques/strategies I can have up my sleeve for such instances I’d be grateful. He’s been a good dad in many ways, but this one aspect has been so difficult.