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eskielover · Dec 04, 2024, 05:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cutman2000

If you don't mind me asking, what led to your divorce?

No problem.....lots of things led to it.

To start with there were issues even before the wedding that made me feel that I couldn't trust him to actually take care of a family financially even though he had the same degree (computer sci) as I was getting. I had all kinds of red flags going off with his attitude so I sat my demands before the wedding hoping he would back out cause my mom gave all kinds of excuses for his behaviors but this all hit me after the invitations had gone out. Ended up convincing myself it would be ok & work out.

He started off financially irresponsible & that never changed which only reinforced my determination to have MY career & be financially equal. 2 years into marriage I got pregnant & first thing he did was tell me I could blow off my career demand I set before the wedding. That was WAR for me & the marriage headed into the pits early on.

With having our daughter & my having my career, I was able to get lost in those things & pretty much just tolerate being married to him until aerospace engineering crashed mid 90's. Being home & his financial irresponsibility just fueled the bad marriage fire. I ended up having a mental breakdown & that made things worse. I knew I needed out of the marriage but everything financially had made it impossible & he fought getting a divorce which made me feel totally trapped & suicide seemed at that point like my only way out.

In 2005 I inherited my mom's house & the Trust she left me. My husband tried hard to get that money but left it in the trust cause I knew it was my only way out. I ended up leaving the state leaving everything from the 33 years of marriage behind because I knew if I didn't escape then, I never would.

Divorce came later after I was established in my new state & after I got the huge IRS debt paid off that he had created. It was a complicated time financially but gave me plenty of time alone to process all that had happened over the years of marriage. I was able to analyze that neither of us actually (in reality) loved each other when we got married. I also was trying to sort out if what he had done was intentional or whether he was truly as incompetent as his behavior was & if so, what mental issue did he have that caused this all to happen from the beginning & what dysfunctional reactions had I learned growing up with my dysfunctional parents. I found the best therapist ever who helped me process & learn much better ways of responding to stresses. Being alone helped me focus & understand without constantly being triggered by his behaviors.

Oh the list is still long of all the things he did before the divorce was final. Oh, he never responded to my lawyers & he actually ended up in contempt of court which I never bothered to pursue. Easier & cheaper to just walk away for me though I am still paying a lawyer to clean up a mess when he sold the house & that may end up in a court case next year if the loan holder doesn't get my name off the loan for the house I don't own.

At my age now, I would never even consider getting involved with anyone again. My life is now peaceful, I have everything under my control & don't have to worry about anyone screwing up my finances. I am quite capable of taking care of my little farm & am not in debt. The peace this gives me is worth living alone.....but guess not really alone with 2 dogs & 2 cats. I lost my horse a few years ago. Finances are going into home repair at this point.

I think what really hit me was that what I thought was love all those years actually wasn't, it was just tolarance. That was reinforced 11 years after I left when I was back in Calif for a court hearing & we had time to "talk" & I asked him why he wanted to get married & he said "because it was what he was supposed to do after he got his degree & career". Asked him why he didn't respect what I had said before the wedding & he said "he was sure I would change my mind".

Ah, all the real unsaid thoughts that go on while actually trying to live life the way we think it should go are usualltly the final stumbling blocks in the end. It blew my mind when I realized the red flags before the wedding were actually the same reasons I left 33 years later.

I also have been surprised because I have totally fit into the small town farming community I live in now & have never been happier in all my life. I know more wonderful people & have more good friends than I ever did when I was married.