Hi. I've read everything people have said multiple times. I would have gotten a new therapist, but I am too dependent on her. I couldn't even last a week without contact. I was terrified of being alone and that nobody else in my life would ever understand me. Only two people have ever understood me in my entire life. One of them abandoned me like I was worthless. The other one is actively trying to reach out, help and support me. The relationship still feels so damaging, but what would be worse was to go back to existing without a single person caring about me or understanding me, that terrifies me. I feel completely lost without having at least one person who understands and cares about me. I think maybe the word co-dependent fits here to describe our relationship, but I'm not sure.

I did end up texting her and we have talked over the phone and she apologized for what she did and said that she didn't mean to push me away or make me feel too overwhelmed. She told me she was really worried about me and that if I had never contacted her again she would have lost her reason for waking up for work in the morning. She also told me she cares deeply about me and said she will make things up to me on our next session. It feels painful every time she tells me she cares. I think I'm just so broken that even though I'm desperate for someone to care I can't accept it because I'm terrified it's not true or that they will abandon me after I accept it.

I told her just how unsafe she made me feel and that I felt like the same child I did back when I'd been abused in the past. She said that was intentional to get me to come to terms with what happened and to help me become comfortable with touch. She asked me about the future and if I would ever want to date a girl and have children some day. I said yes because I do, I just don't know how I ever could with the way I am. She said she wants to help me achieve my goals and I just need to trust her. That is what a lot of this has been coming down to though, I just don't trust her and that's why I panicked and ran away. She said she was hurt I don't trust her completely yet after all this time and everything I'd shared with her. I felt guilty for making her feel that way after meeting her for so many years and sharing so much with her. I do want to trust her, I just worry she'll do the same thing my PE teacher did, especially since she's been doing some of the other stuff he's done already. It's just sometimes I feel like a lost child with her and like I'm back then but in the present, I know it sounds dumb. She makes me feel so vulnerable and uncomfortable like I did back then, even if it's to help me come to term with things I still feel the way I do and the memories and feelings associated with then come back too.

I've told her before I will never be able to love anyone but my PE teacher, but she still told me she loved me when our call ended. I never said anything back because I felt sick afterwards. I tell myself I can't love her, she's not my PE teacher, she's just a therapist. I think the words "i love you" from her make me feel so sick because it's the sort of thing my PE teacher used to say after abusing me and I was so foolish I believed every word of it. I don't think she's a bad person. We're all human, even therapists. I just have issues and reject love out of fear. She knows my issues though, she must know just how badly that man hurt me. She knows the massive hole he left behind in my heart and why I could never love anyone else, but still she told me she loved me. Everyone wants to feel loved, but love is just poison to me. It terrifies me. Maybe that's why she said it though, it's hard to know what she's thinking because I'm not the therapist. She seems to be saying or doing a lot of things associated with my trauma or that I feel uncomfortable with.