I'm scared. I'm just locked up in my house with the curtains closed and I know this is not right, but I can't stop what I'm falling into.

I have a little pet turtle(Abraham) that I found a few weeks after she left the first time(around 3 years ago). Almost a week went by before I remembered to feed him and give him water.

I really miss her. I miss my wife. She made me feel bad for fighting for our marriage, I just don't get it. For years she fought for me to love her. I just don't get it.

Thought:
The last makeup; I went to pick her up, she looked pretty bad. I demanded that she go to the hospital, and I would pick her up there. She told me she had thoughts of suicide and wanted me to pick her up and bring her home right away. I was happy but wanted her to go to the ER and I would be there. I'm a little over an hour away in another state. I met her there, she saw me and just walked out of that place, and I took my wife home. My wife. I love her. I want to take care of her.
I received a call from her sister and her sister told me that she had asked my wife(her sister) what she could do, because my wife was really depressed, but I wasn't aware of any of this. Her sister told me that my wife said to her, "Get my husband." Her sister also informed me that the whole time of her being there that she talked about me and never intended on getting a divorce. But what I'm about to say next is what remains in my head.
My wife took courses and worked 2-3 jobs while we were separated, the first time. She was pretty distant from me. Cold, short and didn't seem to care. Maybe she was hurt, idk. Well, her sister also told me before I insisted that she go to the ER and before I picked her up, that she lost her jobs.
Last:
When she was back the last time, I told her to just sit back and relax, that I would take care of her. She looked depressed, weak, and helpless. She insisted that she cleaned, she said it would help her feel better. And it did. After about a week she was smiling and happy. When I pulled in after coming home from work, she would greet me, hugs, kisses, and dinner was always ready. She said she was attracted to me and wanted to have sex. She's never said that to me. I almost cried, and I said to her how happy I was to hear those words from her. I told her that I thought it was too early for sex, that we should fix us first. And to be honest, I'm not sure if she hasn't been with another, or others. But we created a weekly schedule for us, out to the movies, bowling, dinner, flea markets, farmers markets, etc. And we talked about our future, etc.

I'm not sure I can be here without her RDMercer.