Quote:
Originally Posted by eskielover
I left after 33 years in a bad marriage. What I found is that after I left, I was responsible for my own happiness & could no longed blame unhappiness on someone else. I got to make choices I knew/know are good for me. I get to choose what my life will be like. I am responsible for handling everything in my life now & adjusting what I need to make it work instead of getting angry at "that other person" for screwing things up. I love being responsible for me. I have never been happier in my life than I am now & it is such a relief not to live around someone who 24/7 was making bad choices that was messing up my life.
Leaving gets to be what you make it, responsible for yourself. That can be truly liberating to be independent. I had never lived alone before that time & my leaving was moving across the country from big city to small town where I knew no one,. to start life over. Best decision I ever made in my life. It is our own responsibility to make life better. For me, leaving reinforced my knowledge that it wasn't me that was the problem. Not everything has always gone well but I have the ability MYSELF to work through the tough things better than I ever did fighting with my husband. & being unhealthy & unhappy. I finally feel peace & happiness for the first time in my life
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Yes I think you are right and part of it is the fear or at least uncertainty of being alone, but more specifically, not knowing what to do with my life. I have been planning on, and really have a longing for, just living out on the road and being homeless - or nomadic is a better word for it - when/if the relationship ends. This is for many reasons, but mainly because I want to use it as a way to kind of 'rejuvenate' myself and just 'rest' at least for a while. You know, just live and 'be', without any obligations or responsibilities and everything for a while, like I said just to relax and rejuvenate my energies, at least for a while.
But I'm just not really sure or 100% confident on how that may turn out... I don't really prevail in the confidence area very well, so, I think the vast majority of this concern and uncertainty and fear, comes from just self-doubt and little confidence in myself, and being able to do something like this very well. I've been homeless before, at a much younger age even, and didn't even have a vehicle then like I do now, but I just like I said don't really have much faith in my ability to 'handle' it now.
Mainly because I want the freedom, the complete freeness and openness just living and being alive with no attachments, obligations, responsibilities etc. etc. But at the same time, I feel like knowing how I am and how my mind is, I'm going to still feel like I'm just wasting my life and time and being lazy and unproductive and all that kind of stuff. Kinda a paradoxical catch-22 I think...
I feel like the relationship maybe provides more structure and 'a life', and leaving out on my own especially like how I've explained, I feel like will not have much structure or meaning and productivity especially... My mind is so back and forth and conflicting with this stuff... I feel like I don't want structure and obligation and all that stuff, but at the same time, if I don't have it, then I'm so critical with myself feeling like I'm not being productive and wasting my life...