Yes I think you are right and part of it is the fear or at least uncertainty of being alone, but more specifically, not knowing what to do with my life. I have been planning on, and really have a longing for, just living out on the road and being homeless - or nomadic is a better word for it - when/if the relationship ends. This is for many reasons, but mainly because I want to use it as a way to kind of 'rejuvenate' myself and just 'rest' at least for a while. You know, just live and 'be', without any obligations or responsibilities and everything for a while, like I said just to relax and rejuvenate my energies, at least for a while.

But I'm just not really sure or 100% confident on how that may turn out... I don't really prevail in the confidence area very well, so, I think the vast majority of this concern and uncertainty and fear, comes from just self-doubt and little confidence in myself, and being able to do something like this very well. I've been homeless before, at a much younger age even, and didn't even have a vehicle then like I do now, but I just like I said don't really have much faith in my ability to 'handle' it now.

Mainly because I want the freedom, the complete freeness and openness just living and being alive with no attachments, obligations, responsibilities etc. etc. But at the same time, I feel like knowing how I am and how my mind is, I'm going to still feel like I'm just wasting my life and time and being lazy and unproductive and all that kind of stuff. Kinda a paradoxical catch-22 I think...

I feel like the relationship maybe provides more structure and 'a life', and leaving out on my own especially like how I've explained, I feel like will not have much structure or meaning and productivity especially... My mind is so back and forth and conflicting with this stuff... I feel like I don't want structure and obligation and all that stuff, but at the same time, if I don't have it, then I'm so critical with myself feeling like I'm not being productive and wasting my life...