You did well in that brief encounter and good for your daughter setting boundaries like that with her mother.

You have been gaining ground as you slowly establish your own sense of independence. Toxic people resent that as it’s a threat to their need to feel they have the control and power.

When it comes to individuals that have problems with alcohol as you have described in your wife is how these individuals never developed a sense of boundaries and they also never developed emotional regulation. Instead they rely on the alcohol as a way to reduce emotional regulation This makes it hard for a partner and child because how their behavior changes depending on the alcohol level in their system. In listening to you describe what you dealt with while your wife lived at home, everything revolved around HER emotional stability.

It takes time to slowly understand how this disease affects you and that you can love someone and be powerless to help or change the effects of this disease. The disease always takes priority even in sobriety. I know this fact all too well as I have been married to it for 44 years now.

Never expect this person to actually care about you and see your value. Yes, this individual can suddenly blow up at you and go into a rage and stomp around. Try to remember the underlying inability to manage their emotional regulation. Never decide it’s your fault and if only you did this or that. That is codependency and that takes time to understand and slowly change.