I guess I am not depressed per se, but I do feel sad... in looking back at the last 11 years, it's been extremely difficult for me. 11 years ago I lived across the country in California. I was on my own and felt the greatest sense of freedom. I had moved to the southwest in 2010 and left in 2012 for the west coast. I lived in Oregon for a year and in California for a year. That was the last time I recall feeling really really happy, despite a few pitfalls I encountered. I was free...

Then upon returning to the East coast, I had to live with my parents and remained living with my parents for 4 years as I worked to get on my feet again professionally. Then I struggled professionally for the next 10-11 years, up until today. I fought to raise myself professionally - through blood, sweat, and tears, I fought to rise in position and salary. I went through several layoffs, bullying, and abuse during those years. It was not easy.

Nothing in my life has ever come easily - except maybe making new friends. I see those years as darker years of my life. And before I moved out west was very difficult too. My life has black marks all over it. Black magic marker marking those years as very painful and very difficult.

And now? I am exhausted - just sheer exhausted.

I talk about taking a vacation, but all I can afford is a 4-day break in Mexico. I really need a sabbatical or a full month of not working.

Why do other people seem to have such easy lives and why has mine had to be SO freaking hard?

In numerology, I am a master number - number 11, which holds the energy frequencies of the 1, 2, and 11 - according to Numerology, my soul path number 11 is the most difficult number a person can have, and only a small percentage of the population has this master number - according to what I've read, and I have a whole Numerology book on this, it involves a lot of learning, growth, and life lessons. It is written that once I learn how to accept and trust my natural intuitive abilities, I will come into my true self and power. I am an intuitive. The 11 is the psychics number.

Learning and growth are extremely painful. And I am tired of having to learn life lessons. I am done already. I have had it with learning... I want to coast now. I want to put my feet up and relax. I want to sit back and enjoy the fruits of all my hard labor. But that is not exactly happening in my current job because of my awful classless bullying and loud-mouthed boss.

When looking back at the last 11 years, it's been about progressing and building my career. I started out 11 years ago earning 35K. Now I earn 130K a year. The only good I can see coming out of those years is career progression by leaps and bounds. I went from earning just 35K, to 65K, 85K, 95K, 105K, and then finally 130K. I guess I should feel proud of this. I haven't really thought of it from this light.

Not sleeping is not helping me right now. This morning I was awake at 1:30-1:45 AM and have been up and about since then.. menopause sucks.

My mood feels dark.. not depressed, or maybe it is depression talking. I am coloring everything negatively and dark. I feel like my life mostly has a black magic marker all over it since day 1.

I won't hurt or harm myself, but it would be so much easier if I could just leave this world. I feel done. Done with it all - work, career, love, relationships.... I feel done.

What do I do???????????

Yesterday, I found a volunteer activity I may be interested in - working with horses and kids with disabilities. In the new year, I think I might sign up. I need to get out of the house and out of my dark thoughts.

Somehow... I need to break this cycle because it's not helping me.. it's just making everything feel worse.

I need a beacon of hope.. of light to guide me forward. I need to feel hopeful again. And I just don't right now. I feel bleak.