Was feeling panicky earlier. Feeling a bit better now. The day has been going by fast. Sometimes I want to disappear. I love life for the most part but sometimes I’m sick of dealing with my brain. If I had a choice to get rid of the schizoaffective disorder bipolar type I have or the trauma history at a young age that ****ed me up so much due to severe amounts of stress that shouldn’t be put on a 7 year old. I would get rid of the trauma, even if that sounds crazy. I feel like it permanently changed the way my brain developed. My previous psychiatrist said something about all the severe stress I dealt with for so many years as a young child, because it occurred when I was that young changed me. I was basically growing up with my alcoholic severely depressed mother and we were homeless most of the time and bouncing around from place to place getting kicked out constantly and having to leave our stuff and being around scary/sometimes aggressive people and sometimes not having food to eat. I just remember constantly being worried every day about whether we’d have a place to stay. 7 year olds shouldn’t have to deal with that kind of stress. Nobody should but especially not in the developmental ages. And it went on till I was like 15 and then we finally had a stable place to live.

I never thought it affected me. I acted like it was no big deal until I started dealing with the dissociation around 19. I never connected the dots. Until this past year. I never considered it a trauma. But my new therapist started EMDR with me immediately when I started seeing her and that’s a therapy for traumatic memories.

My last therapist was great, I saw her for 8 years. Then she suddenly died unexpectedly a few months ago. She was great but I realize now that her form of therapy wasn’t really getting me anywhere, just based on how direct my new therapist and how she like aggressively works on problems.

My last therapist, It was just talk therapy and it was very casual and basic and she didn’t challenge me or aim the therapy towards any specific things to work on. So it was more like a somewhat therapeutic chat with a friend. She wasn’t experienced with dissociation or anything like that.

I feel like there’s so many people that have had such worse experiences, so Idk why my brain chose to start dissociating.