bebop uhm.. self-love is wonderful and I feel at ease with it... when I'm alone, whenever I'm in the mood, I can let go with no problems. It's letting go when I'm in bed with my gf that's not working that well :/

Junerain, thanks for your post.. I know there are ppl with sex issues here and outside, I just feel overwhelmed and isolated by my issues at times.. I loved the "tests, not exams" perspective you showed me it's really sweet and positive.. maybe I think about "final exams" because I suppose I am afraid of her reaction.. I don't want to "bother" her with my issues.. but if the roles were reversed I would do anything to help her and wouldn't be bothered, 'cause I love her.. I just find it hard to believe anyone would be so interested in me, so into me, so in love with me to be OK with all my mind issues.. as I said, I don't want to put pressure on her, I'd love to keep her out of my instability.. I want her to be happy and carefree.. not to be the person I shower with insecurities, you know? But while I'm writing I think.. it's impossible, isn't it? Can I keep her out of my fear and sadness and insecurity? Sounds hard...
About me being not so cold, yes, sometimes I see light at the end of the tunnel, and possibilities, and my mind thinks "I just need some more confidence, it's gonna be ok" and there are times when I feel interested and in the mood and I have awesome experiences, and it's great. It's just that sometimes my mind thinks "I'm not able to do this, I feel nothing, why am I not like her, I'm never gonna be carefree and enjoy this".. So it's not always cold and void, but sometimes. O is still to be reached (by me)...
Last thing, "kisses are part of sex".. I still don't see it like that I don't know, it's funny to me to think of them like that.. they don't always lead to sex, right? Don't they have a life of their own? I see them as romance. If you're in bed (or wherever) doing it, well then they're part of sex :P

AAAAA I would totally bring you a lilac if I could you know, taking a break from the desperate cry for help, I'll tell you a sweet note: since we got together (it's a fresh thing, we got together on June 2) I have been bringing her a flower from my garden or from the river banks (I walk home from work and I pass along the river) every day. If one day I meet her before I have the chance to get a real flower, I make her an origami flower or I draw her one. sorry, thinking about her made me smile a lot. Anyhow, we do talk about sex, kinda. I also try to say what I feel, what I want, compared to how silent I was with my ex I have gone lenghts.. but I refrained from telling her the negative part for the reasons I told Junerain, that is sort of trying to shield her from my problems (what if she thinks it's her fault I don't feel anything and didn't O? What if my problems make her sad?) and also maybe a bit of fear.. I understand the advice you give your children.. I often say something similar, "if you're old enough to do it, you're old enough to say it"..

everyone anyhow, I wanted to tell her yesterday.. I asked her to have a Sunday all by ourselves, to go someplace like a park where we could be alone and quiet.. but then everything got messed up, the weather was too hot and we forgot the blanket to put on the floor in the trunk of my car, and we had no water, and there were TONS of people around having picnics, and I was feeling kinda tired and sleepy (I had slept 5 hours the night before and worked both Saturday and Sunday in the house).. and I didn't feel like opening up. I am surprised that she didn't say anything about it, 'cause I had "warned" her I wanted us to be alone to tell her about personal issues..
so see.. I made a step.. and I will try again later.. I hope everything will be a little more pleasant that time.. and I really don't want to as in desire to tell her but I think it's right to do so and I will..

sorry for the neverending post.
Thanks for your time, I really need support right now and experiences and ideas and I love having someone that answers me...