WHY do i still feel this way,
even after i have done everything i 'should' have done.
i've changed position; changed environment
i've distracted myself silly
i've 'rationalised' my thoughts; i've even turned them round to try and make them into something positive
and yet here i sit
with the urge coursing through me
if i do it i will be letting her down (my t)
we have been working so hard (with CBT)
and its been over a month (since I SIed)
i don't care about that though
and rationally why should letting her down factor into this? would she really feel let down???
I just need to feel it
the PHYSICAL pain
because it hurts so much inside
and i don't understand it
so i need to feel it differently