@NovaBlaze, thanks very much for the encouragement!!!

There is a lot of pressure around Christmas. Christmas and the holidays are difficult for many people.

I run a page on Facebook to help people, and the posts I make that get the most likes and shares are the ones that identify with the difficulties surrounding the holidays.

The media is the largest influence of that - creating an idyllic vision of Christmas with family and loved ones - you're sooo right.

Truth is, family relationships and dynamics are complex. Many families don't even like each other. Some are completely estranged from their families, and many have lost loved ones and are grieving. That grieving and loss becomes more profound during family-focused holidays.

I just spoke with a female friend yesterday who lost her father a year ago, and then her mother and step father this year close together. Holy cow. She is at a loss. I cannot even imagine how that must feel.

She told me of an old friend of mine from high school who had colon cancer, beat the cancer, but now is on oxygen living at his father's home. He hasn't worked in years.

I have it easy compared to these two people i know.

This is the longest in my life that I've been single. Typically, I've run from relationship to relationship - with only a few months in between. I think this is God's way of teaching me to be happy and OK on my own.

And it's working. There are moments when I do feel sheer happiness being on my own. I am having epiphanies and feel like I'm growing - these are growing pains, and I do feel that. It's been painful as well at times to be alone, like when I wrote that post and was crying about it.

Ultimately, I feel it's best for me to be alone this past year. BUT, it's been hard, lonely, and painful at times, and right now, it's been particularly hard.

Yes, 54 is still young enough, but I am no spring chicken. I know of older adults who have found love at 60 and older.

You are lucky you have a spouse who can support you through your difficult times. I have to rely solely on me, sometimes my mom and sometimes my sister.

After speaking with that female friend, my perspective has shifted a little and I woke up today feeling more so grateful than anything else.

I forget sometimes to count my blessings vs my problems. I am reminded all the time of this. I think it's God's way of telling me things could always be far worse. I am lucky I can work and that I have an income and a good job (on paper at least). I have my own home that I love, a beloved cat that I adore, my own car and my freedom. I am free of all abuse and toxicity in my love life, and sometimes I've forgotten to celebrate this, especially given my history of multiples abusive relationships. I am free of all of that - and this I DO celebrate. And need to remember to celebrate it every day.

Life - it's not easy - and we all face our own unique set of challenges. These have been mine. I know that ultimately, being alone is helping me somehow. I am learning that I CAN be alone. I have learned that I don't need a relationship to be happy. I've learned that happiness is something I can create for myself, each and every day. It doesn't always happen naturally and I have to work at it. I am also learning boundaries and self love.

These are things I've been missing in my life. So to me, this is God speaking to me, telling me that this is what I have needed, and that's why I've been alone.

Sorry, once again I've written a novel in reply. LOL. I do that.

Thank you again for your encouragement, your kindness and your generosity - you are a gem!!!

PS. My sister got a puppy for Christmas, which brings me much joy!!! This is the 1st puppy in our family in years, and I am beyond thrilled. I can't wait to meet and play with him!