Most of the time I'm certain if I'm honest without making them see things through my (maybe delusional, maybe on-point) eyes, they're going to use that against me. Like right now I if I mention my mood is very unstable, my pdoc is going to increase my Depakote even if I press that higher doses of Depakote than what I'm on reduce my life to sleeping, attempting to eat, puking, and becoming the loneliest person I've ever been because, surprise, people can't keep relationships if they don't talk or get out of bed for anything other than diarrhea and consuming more poison, oops, I mean the two grams of Depakote that is "totally okay to take because I probably just took it wrong before I did bloodwork and that's why my levels came back high." (Then I was given the wrong directions for bloodwork... )

The word "honest" implies telling the truth. How do you do that if you don't know the truth, and, unlike many others, don't pretend to know it so you let your head go beyond what you're told to accept as fact without any evidence? Is there a difference between that and "delusional"? What if you reach your own conclusions with what evidence you, yourself, saw and have learned through trial and error or taking notice of patterns, but that goes against what someone told someone else that told someone else that they saw on a bumper sticker with a grammar error?

If someone says "he's cheating on you." I don't think "he's cheating on me." I think "that person says he's cheating on me." Does that person believe that statement? Or does that person want me to believe that? Or is that person testing my response to that statement? etc.

So, when I see my pdoc, I'll say it's the norm:
lowest low: low
highest high: high
sleep: have slept none some nights, have slept 16 hours in a 24 hr period others, lots of nightmares
food: fk off and let me starve to death and no I'm not going to have any more fking protein shakes
suicidal? Would LOVE LOVE LOVE to, except I KNOW I could probably swallow a lit cherry bomb that goes off in me and wake up wondering why drinking hurts more than usual.
Substance use? Why do you think I'm not losing *an absurd amount* of weight since the last appointment? Munchies!!!!
At a subjective level, how do I feel? Like I'm microdosing bath salts.