I realized that as I am now, I will not attract a healthy man because I smoke cigarettes. Any man who is older and healthy-minded likely doesn't smoke and would look down on me for it, especially at my age. I've read that men like confident women who take good care of themselves regularly and who groom themselves regularly. This is where I am weakest! I let my hair go for months at a time. I never paint my fingernails, only my toes, I am horrible with regular exercise, and I've smoked for over 30 years. Not to mention that I've been abused all my life and have a tragic life story.

What man would want me??? I feel very unlovable right now, and like a leper who will remain single forever.

The only silver lining I could find is that quitting smoking and starting an exercise program are two things I CAN change and which are within my control to change.

But I am worried I will gain weight, which is why I continue to smoke. I gained and lost 20 pounds through my marriage and divorce. I finally feel good about my weight and about my looks, and when I quit smoking, I'm terrified I will gain weight and look awful again.

Men find me to be physically beautiful, and I am frequently told this. When I lost 20 pounds after 5 years of being chubby, I finally felt good about how I look, which helps my confidence. I don't want to gain any weight. I am very weight and body conscious.

This is quite the conundrum.