Today was another bad day. I did nothing.

Part of my feeling down is not hearing from one of my sisters during the holiday season. It's really mean of her. She's done this before. I thought I had my mind made up to stop caring and not get upset this year. But it does upset me. Besides the hurt, I feel so angry. I really hate feeling like this. The anger feels worse than the depression.

I try to figure out why I'm so agitated over this. I think it's because I really didn't think she'ld do this to me again. It's making me furious today. It's awfully unfair. I won't make a list of how I've cared about her over the years. The lopsidedness is stunning. Years ago, my parents warned me that I underestimated how selfish she is. I used to think she was just immature and overwhelmed by some stressors in her own life. Now I'm facing that this may be deliberate meaness, which I never thought I would expect from her. I could make excuses for her, which I've done all my life. Instead, I think it may be that it's time I faced a hard truth. She's not the cute little kid that I used to push around in a stroller. I used to warm up her bottle when it was her bedtime. I still see her as an innocent child. I don't want to stay deluded. I want to figure out what is true. It may be that she really is more hard-hearted than I ever recognized. It's awful hard to feel rejected for absolutely no good reason. Somehow I must learn to not care. I don't know how I'll get to that stage.