Well, instead of thinking of what you did as hiding, it’s better to say that you chose to not make yourself available to be affected by toxic behaviors. Because your wife has a history of substance abuse that affects her behaviors and moods, you and your children never got to feel safe.

People who have substance abuse problems tend to self medicate with alcohol and marijuana and may also use stimulants like cocaine or they consume large quantities of caffeine via coffee or high caffeine drinks. Individuals that constantly abuse these substances tend to have narcissistic behavior patterns. There is a lack of self awareness that is often covered up by using the I am the victim mentality. There is often a covert narcissism to this because their behaviors are protecting their need to abuse these substances.

The truth is that all relationships suffer because of this SAD disorder and the individual tends to lie to themselves where they see themselves as the victim be it at work or in other relationships. And yes, often this problem becomes costly and it drains any type of savings including dipping into the savings of spouses or children as you have described your wife as doing.

Unfortunately, some of our hardest lessons are learned in our homes from our parents or siblings and when we are much too young to understand. It’s not unusual to be taught to be a codependent not even having any idea what that means. I would advise that the best thing you can teach your children is to choose things to do that make you unavailable to the toxic behaviors that may just show up and put you on the spot.