Breaking out of isolation is necessary, if we want any quality of life. It's a lot easier said than done. I'm sorry if your mom is in failing health. You do need to make other connections. So do I.

Christmas is the main day of the year for many people to spend with those they really care about. I'm far from my family of origin. Staying in touch takes a bit of effort. It takes an occasional phone call. I did get a call from my sister last evening. I couldn't even bring myself to answer the phone. It was late in the day, so I feel like it was just an after-thought. That was childish of me, but I'm tired of being hurt.

It takes me a long time to get over feeling excluded. I'm starting to think I'ld rather not be in contact at all. Then I won't be setting myself up for these repeated disappointments. My sister called and left a voice message asking that I call her back. I don't want to call her back. She'll take it as an insult, if I don't. That makes things worse. Once it seems that someone has only a half-hearted interest in our relationship, I find it hard to have any interest.

For the past few years I've been trying to nurture my ties to family . . . trying to fan the embers of affection. On each of my last 3 trips to visit family, someone got mad at me for no good reason. I'm played out. The trying has seemed like banging my head against a wall.

I could have joined neighbors in a get-together Christmas eve. I was too depressed to go. That was really self-defeating of me. I should have gone.