I have a group of friends I've known for twenty years. They are a tight-knit group, but... I've been on the outskirts.

A long time ago, a good number of them betrayed me when I was in a vulnerable state. I tried to gloss it over and pretend it wasn't a big deal, but after that I emotionally closed off from pretty much any friendship. I still spent time with people because I was afraid of being alone, and I didn't fully realize that I kept people at a distance.

I'm finding it harder and harder to be in the company of my friends. It seems unfair to hold the past against them when I never expressed how deeply they'd hurt me in the first place. However, I wasn't consciously aware how much it affected me until a couple years ago, and I reflected on those events, examining my feelings about it honestly.

Every time I go to visit them, I feel a heaviness and a discomfort, and like I don't fit in with them anymore.

It just sucks. I thought I "forgave" them, but in letting those things go, I denied my experience, and denied the trust issues that came from it. I don't know how to move forward, or be close with anyone who I'd want as a friend.