I went in Monday to a trauma hospital, was transferred during the week to a psych hospital, and was discharged yesterday after an overdose on substances I am not prescribed and severe cutting. I got zero psych treatment other than the availability of “groups” (which as someone who has been to this hospital over 20 times once a stay of a 7 weeks I know they rotate the same ones out every two weeks, and I have been through all of them countless times). I did go to the discussion ones, but the ones where I just fill out my warning signs for the 20th time, I skipped.

Anyway, I’m really not doing better. I don’t feel I should go back, just like I don’t feel I should have gone the first time (which everyone disagrees with, but whatever). I might actually feel worse now after that. At this time I’m capable of sayin/doing things to not be forced in, but not super confident I’ll keep that in the near future.

I do see my outpatient pdoc on Monday, but I’ve already accepted that as far as meds/psychiatry goes, this is as good as it’ll get until I have the option every night of sleeping in a bedroom I’m not terrified to be in.

There’s probably a 60% chance I’m going to “hurt” myself like that again (I wouldn’t really use the word “hurt,” because it was quite the opposite, but I digress). Obviously if I do and they find out I’ll have to go back anyway. If I do and they don’t find out, I’d be fine. If I don’t, I’ll be “fine” of course too.

I just feel so hopeless. I mean, at this point do I just spend my life at the state hospital? Do I get myself put in prison? Do I stop treatment and raw dog being mentally ill like every one else?