If I could turn back, I never would have married an abusive narcissist. I would have listened to my gut reactions to red flags that I didn't want to believe. I would have listened better to my inner voice nagging at me. I would have left him at the alter in St Lucia the morning he fought with me on our wedding day. He had exploded on me just days before in a rage over pants that I wouldn't buy for him. I knew then that I was in trouble. I knew on the morning of my wedding day that I was in trouble. But I got married anyways because I couldn't deal with a breakup at the time. The next few months after our wedding were a nightmare. He exploded in rages on me every week. Three weeks after our wedding during one of his rages, he removed his wedding ring and left it on the table telling me we are not married. He tried to break up with me every other weekend after instigating a knock down drag out fight with me, where he hurled insults and hurtful words at me, while screaming at me and chasing me around the home.

I left him four years later. Actually, a year and half after marrying him, I kicked him out for infidelity. Had I known better, I never would have forgiven him and let him back into my home. After getting back together, I kicked him out a second time, and for the final time. I had had enough. Life was not meant to be lived in misery or in abuse. I wanted to be happy again. I missed my former happy go lucky full of life self. She disappeared living under his thumb. He was very controlling too.

Had I to do it over again, I would have listened to my gut in the beginning.

So my advice and the point of sharing my story is to listen to what your gut tells you to do. If your gut tells you that you want better, deserve better, and want to be happy, then listen to that advice you are giving yourself. Don't worry about the cost of divorce. I got divorced and paid only $750. We hired a mediator who was a friend of my ex husband. Granted, I should have had my own lawyer, but this was all I could afford, and it was totally affordable. I've seen most mediators charge about $2500. It's good to hire one when you and your partner are able to agree on how to split up assets and joint ownership of belongings, furnishings etc.

My other bit of advice is that happiness and peace of mind are well worth going through a divorce. I was treated very poorly by my ex. And now I feel at peace and am happier. I am getting my life back again, I feel my true self coming back to life, and I am excited for the next chapter of my new life and newfound freedom. Freedom is empowering and definitely brings greater happiness. And being single has advantages, so there's nothing to be feared. I used to be scared of it, but I've found that I am good company and I can easily entertain myself and be happy.