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I'm so sorry, NP.
Speaking your truth - 'Expressing [your] feelings' - is not holding him hostage.
Knowing that doing so will have no impact on his plans must be excruciating.
Eight and a half years is a very long time to put your trust in someone.
I hope you can give yourself grace to feel your feelings, and treat yourself tenderly in the days ahead.
Hugs if wanted,
Lost
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'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin
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