What exactly just for today? I got my meds, and had a fight with my case manager, and agreed to not one but two med changes (one being put on a PRN antipsychotic that left me thinking, as a patient in a psych hospital, I was breaking into apartments in big cities in Massachusetts, being lost in a pink rat maze, being led into a cabin in Maine I was told was mine but was not and there were rifles everywhere. It was raining cocaine and ants. “But we won’t force you to take it, and we’ll start with lower than the lowest dose.”

I’m going down on my stimulant because it has the same effect as 8mg of Xanax on me (that convinced her I probably have genuine ADHD), which she told me only made sense for people who have ADHD and are over medicated. We only decreased my AM dose because there are days I have to nap before parking, sometimes at a gas station, or if I know it’s really bad I’ll go the interstate and use the rest stop.

Just today.

I guess it was productive. We never really talk about side effects and I was able to tell her I have driven a very hilly windy road after three white claws (yeah, I had that phase) and felt safer doing that than every single day I leave the house now. I told her of the nausea and headaches. I’ve been having pretty bad bleeding gums which they list as a side effect, but I’m a bulimic, drug addict that has crap oral hygiene.

I’m terrified of the antipsychotic though. I didn’t have problems with it until it was scheduled though. If I get akathisia, I’m taking more benzos. Not a crazy amount, just enough to calm things down.

It’s night and I’m starting to freak out. I’ve been using DBT skills and normal coping skills. I’m sorry, Linehan, but in 2024 having a political discussion or imagining being a stone falling to the bottom of a lake aren’t my things (there are some good things). we went over ABCPLEASE and I can do o of those things right now.

TW: I was jumping out of trees and bunk beds to intentionally hurt myself in 3rd grade. By 13 I was cutting daily. ZI had times of picking (both from meth and just anxiety), I want to get OUT of a relationship because it’s safe/boring compared to what I’m used to and get back with old partner. I try these “boring” things and THOSE are the ones that get me restless and uncomfortable.

I want to prove I’m immortal. I’ve been fantasizing about it all night. Except someone will eventually find me and a surgeon will patch me up and I’ll be detoxed.

I’m trying. I don’t want to. I don’t know what I want to do. I want to live by myself, but financially that’s not possible until I get a ft job at $23/hr or wait another expected 6 years for section 8.

I can’t live here. There’s too many flashbacks and triggers. I probably won’t even get into that new apartment because I’ve missed two calls so far to set up move-in.