I sent P an email over the weekend telling him how hurt I was feeling and that I didn't understand how if you care about someone, you could basically just let them fall off the face of the planet and never speak to them again. I'm still not sure how that's possible, but I guess it is. It feels completely unfair.

P and I had our final session. I sobbed and he held my hand while I read my letter to him. I think it made him emotional based on how tightly he was gripping me. I quoted "Both Sides Now", a song that makes me really emotional and we've listened to together.
I've couched things before as "I feel love towards you", but this time I said "I love you".

He read his letter to me. He recorded himself reading his letter because in my letter I mentioned how I won't hear his voice anymore and how because I'm bad at eye contact, his voice had been a constant in our time together. He grabbed my hand at a some point again, but I can't remember what we were talking about at that point. I wish I could remember. We hugged again at the end. It was a tight hug. I think I believe him when he tells me he's sad to say goodbye and will think of me.

The world hasn't collapsed. It's only been one day though. We usually met on Monday and Thursday, but sometimes when we met on Wednesday instead, it felt so much longer to the next Monday. I'm thinking that come Thursday, when we would normally be meeting, I'm going to start to really feel his absence.

We're going to talk via video on the 13th. We might discuss referrals at that time. I know whatever video sessions we have going forward are not going to be a regular thing. He wants to focus on his new career path and he knows that meeting virtually is not the same as meeting in person and doesn't want that.

This really sucks. I feel like I've lost the one person that has any care for how I'm doing emotionally. That's a really lonely feeling.