I've been losing time a scary amount lately. It's not even really the amount, it's what I come back to. I vaguely recalling calling the team line and talking to someone who doesn't know me too well. I feel like I'm either cleaning a disaster zone or creating one. This morning in a cleaning one I found a

I should probably eat. Haven't done that since lunch yesterday.

I am also taking recommendations for sad songs to loop all day.

I was WILD this morning. My mom looked at me weird and said I was scaring her and the cats. I was just singing...A black metal calculus parody version of "Boulevard of Broken Dreams." But naturally it had to have the screaming and headbanging.

I need to integrate
Gotta know how much this function's grown
Don't know what's beneath
But I know the curve
and I integrate

I wonder if I don't have bipolar, but just varying severity in ADHD symptoms. I looked at the time and asked her "should I go take my meds that I was supposed to take almost two hours ago?" and she said yeah, and then like 30 minutes later I was just laying in bed chilling. I am SOOO curious how stimulants can trigger full on manic episodes for people with bipolar, give the "speed" effect for "normal" people, and then some of us get the best naps after their second dose of Ritalin. And then there's people (like me supposedly) with bipolar and ADHD. In the hospital the doctor asked if my voices got better or worse since starting the Ritalin and I said it's hard to say. My head voice (inner monologue) is a lot quieter, soo the auditory hallucinations feel so much more present. It's weird. The visual hallucinations have gotten way worse though, yeah.

Oh, I did call my team people and she asked if I needed to go back to the hospital. Honestly, there needs to be like a boarding school for people like me. A place to live where recreational illegal substance use isn't tolerated, everyone has their separate room, there are rage cages, we can leave after staying long enough they can read us well and won't let us go if there's murder in our eyes our our face bags are bigger than any sleeping bag. We can have a thing like a satellite messenger for periodic check-ins. I am chronically suicidal here, and yeah, 88% of the time it's only passive, but then there's a 10 minute passing active ideation and with a pattern like that where there is no significant and persisting trend away from SI...

Every time I go inpatient my mom packs clothes I don't fit in or are dumb to wear in a psychiatric hospital. I have a clothes system where stuff that doesn't fit but might in the future goes in its own place and I swear she packs from that shelf and drawer. So last time I had 3 bras that don't fit (who needs three UNDERWIRE bras for IP?), three pairs of underwear too small, a hoodie I bought oversized when I was 80lbs lighter, a tank top (which aren't even allowed), and skinny jeans. I'll give her credit: she did pack a flannel, a pair of sweats, and my book that I have no focus to work on that has a million alliterations I need internet they don't have to look up. But anyway, yeah, after that phone call I made a pile for 3 days worth of whatever I might need/want. I made a phone number list too. My boyfriend and I have only been talking on facebook messenger so I didn't have his actual mobile number to call last time.

I'm going to white knuckle it as much as possible though, then at some point they'll put the new PRNs and the lower dose of Ritalin in the blister packs, and if the PRN makes me worse like I suspect it will as I have noticed it had before, I'm not really sure. I've noticed with some meds and adverse reactions, the reactions get worse the more I take it. I was fine with oral invega, then they did the injection and I had a mild rash on my chest, they said it's probably nothing, 3 injections later and I'm up all night ripping my skin off having a hard time breathing. Tegretol? Same story (with an addition of trying it with an antipsychotic and apparently the two play like potassium metal and water). I first started antipsychotics at 18 I think, and then it wasn't bad I was just falling asleep at home depot and got moved down levels in competitions. Seroquel actually kinda worked the first time around once I reached 1.1g a day, but in Hal's eyes that day there was some passed out jail bait in the gardening section. Now when I try seroquel, do I have any decrease in symptoms? No! (Granted I haven't explored taking 300mg over the FDA recommendation again). Instead I just wiggle wiggle wiggle. Akathisia kinda feels like your body becomes a collection of very stiff irregularly shaped electrified objects that vibrate at high frequencies, but we have nerves that tell our brains to shut things down and our personified brain managers are running around "THERE'S NO OFF BUTTON" and then there's a dude in the corner making us walk and bounce our legs and play with our fingers that's kinda lowering the suffering. The manager doesn't know why that works, and has an urge to make things better, but also doessn't want to fk up and make it worse.

Maybe. Maybe if I didn't have two days of getting my hope up where "I can become a children's ski instructor! I even passed the first few courses!" followed by panic of an equivalent quality of having flashbacks of every single mistake with a painful outcome just because I want to go to sleep but sleep=nightmares and bed=rape and unconscious=unalert. I get hope, andI lose it, and I get it, and I lose it. What the fk.

I do need food. I'm not hungry. I'd rather break a window and never end the rest of "it's cold in the house now" until it's fixed while I'm at some stupid hospital telling everyone's baseline is diferent and I'm sure you would admit someone on a day that would be one of my top 5%.

No. I have to figure **** out. There has to be something inside, right?

Anyway, happy new years. Love you guys. Gonna play piano even though I'm starting to leaern I have a bit of an obsessive personality ESPECIALLY with piano (maybe the two handed thing). I stopped playing for a few months because I would be hitting invisible chords and triads and trills and shyt against my legs or the steering wheel or whatever and it was taking away my attention from whatever. I started again because I love it, but I'm driving myself crazy!