What do you do when you feel there is no help, no way out, no reason, no consistency, no clarity?
My treatment team wants to harm me, and I'd be cool if they killed me, but I can't die.
Possible trigger:
I survived a 4.9 lithium level, overdoses (opioid, antipsychotics, benzos, lithium, diphenhydramine, dextromethorphan, some of these combined with alcohol--and I'm pretty sure a 5'5" 120lbs woman shouldn't have recovered as easily as I have from having a fifth of 80proof vodka in a 24hr period) (I know the whole cookie chip thing though when it comes to taking pills and at that point it's more chance and apparently I'm a leprechaun), sports injuries you wouldn't believe (including to the head), severe malnutrition/vitamin/electrolyte shyt, etc. anyway
point is, I
stopped trying to make an impact on the pendulum of life or death in either direction.
But I have rage. A lot. And hallucinations. And maybe at 3pm I'm taking a nap but at 5pm I'm climbing a tree screaming about unicorn niipples. I feel really uncomfortable. Outside I FEEL them tracking me. I know it doesn't matter where I am, but just inside I know more about where the crowbar is and whatnot. I feel so funny. But I don't know my memories. I want to start a fire. Is it how my socks are arranged?
What do you do if your team says to call them in a "crisis" but you know they're just gonna hurt you, and your "friends and family" are stupid and will just get you to the hospital, and don't even say 988. She just told me to stop taking my meds and it's no, dude, you gotta taper off stuff for seizures.