I have a weird thing that I do that I don't understand.

Ever since I was a young kid, I've had a tendency to become fixated on a guy I like. Like very fixated. When I was young at 6 years old, I had a crush on a teenage boy and I followed him around. At camp, I developed another crush, and wanted to be wherever the boy was, hoping he felt the same way and hoping to talk to him. This has continued on through adulthood.

Now I feel I am a bit fixated on my man friend that I slept with on new years eve. I am pretty certain that this relationship cannot go anywhere. He is not exactly the commitment type - he's a party guy and is a playboy of sorts. But he's cute, he's sweet, he's fun, and I like his company. So, now I am focused on him and on sleeping with him again. I offered to drive to his place Friday night to see him again. He lives an hour away from me. He says he may have to be up super early Sat morning, and I said I didn't mind.

I don't know what this is about - whether its anxious attachment, which I think is my attachment style - or something else.

But thinking about this other guy helps to keep my mind off my ex. I don't want to think about my ex anymore. I want him to disappear from my thoughts. Him living down the street from me doesn't help me in this regard. There is always the fear of running into him. And I've decided to stay put in my current home and not move because of my ex. I decided that is not fair and so I am digging in my heels in stubborn defiance. Why should I pay 6-7K to move out when he's the one who moved back into my neighborhood, and when I am perfectly happy living where I am?

Either way, my fixations concern me a bit. I wish I knew what this was about. Call them strong crushes, because that's what they are. It's only a crush, but it becomes kind of obsessive and I am well aware of it.

I'm sure it dates back to my childhood and to being neglected by my father when I was young. I wish I knew how to manage and control it better though because it doesn't exactly feel healthy or normal.