I'm struggling some with rumination yesterday and today.

It might just be the holidays.

The issues with rumination aren't NEARLY what they were. Not at all.

As much as I enjoy the peace I have now, I still find it hard to be hopeful for the future long term. I've made a lot of progress financially, built some stability, and a steady 2nd income stream. I'm still catastrophizing often though.

Just today I was doing some banking, and I'm going....

All my Christmas expenses are covered, my Visa will be almost completely paid off this month, all my utilities bills are up to date. I have two vehicles I'm working on to either put on the road or re-sell. I'm taking some vacation this month because a big employer asked me if I'd come to tour their facility and talk about solutions I may be able to provide for them. I have two side-contracts I'll be starting next week for small clients, and a third in February.

And I'm waiting for the sky to fall, and to lose everything.

I really struggle to accept what is. I think that made me resilient in some ways, because I would never accept failure with some things.

What is true, and what I have to accept is:

-I was never married to a whole person.
- This will be very costly.
- Chances are, I am going to be OK.

I'll be ok, right?

I'll have more good times with my kids and family, right?

Got-dang, there is just this.... HOPELESSNESS that goes along with being partnered to someone like this long term.