between seeing my case manager, therapist, and psychiatrist:

4 scheduled appointments since mid-November actually happened
7 normal appointment times didn't happen (though to be honest the one with my pdoc was my fault--thought it was at a different time, and of course two of them fell on days the office was closed for holidays)

Looking back in my phone I have a 55% answer or call back rate when I call the team's emergency number.

I tell my CM how much I'm struggling, and the only day she hasn't said "you look/sound good" or expressed appreciation for how creatively I get across my horrendous thoughts was the day she dragged me to the ER promising "just to get medically checked out," followed by me spending Christmas on a psych unit (actually kind of nice though--we made cookies and the doc there is benzo happy).

My T lately has just been like "duh, of course your struggle with [fear of abandonment/rage/emptiness/emotional dysregulation/black & white thinking/inability to have a healthy relationship with literally anybody/self-worth/lack of stable sense of self/self-harm/addiction/dissociation], you have BPD those are your symptoms," (I know, girly, how do I NOT have those symptoms?) It feels like I'm showing up to a doc with a knife in my leg saying it hurts, and they're just going, "yeah, it looks like you have a knife in your leg. Have you tried acting like you don't have a knife in your leg?"

I don't know if my resentment towards them is unwarranted.