Hey guys,

I actually have never done this before, I didn’t even know this existed till last night but I think I need as many perspectives as possible so I would really appreciate any advice. I’m quite a rational logical cool headed person normally, but I think this is the first time in my life I have been shaken up like this and I actually don’t know what to do.

So I (21 f) have been with my partner (24 m) since July 2023. I am his first serious relationship, he has always had issues with a lot of social anxiety and depression so has a verrryyyy limited pool of friends and no experience of any loyal partnerships before. Most of the people he has liked in the past either just didnt feel the same way - or pretended to reciprocate feelings just to sleep with his brother. (his brother known and in the public eye) He also has quite severe BPD (borderline personality disorder) and sees a therapist here and there about it.

Now I knew all of this going into a relationship with him and I have had partners with different intensities of BPD symptoms and trust issues before so I felt ready and prepared what for challenges may come with it. But boy, was I wrong.

Our relationship prior to him admitting he cheated on me wasn’t completely smooth sailing, he has a lot of difficulty communicating his feelings but he tries his best. He actively listens, remains calm, takes accountability, is always willing to hear a different perspective, answer questions (even if it takes 2 hours for him to be able to actually be able respond) and in almost every other way he is the most attentive partner I have ever had in my life. Makes an effort with my friends and family, and takes on everything I tell him - it just takes a while to see the change is consistent but he has put in the effort to change every bad habit I explain effects me. Like this man memorised exactly how hot I like my hot drinks and makes it to the exact temp every time. He is tidy and funny and knows me better than literally anyone else in the world. Sounds strange given the title but I have never felt so seen in my life - ever.

Now where does the cheating come into all this? Well, a few days ago we were on a face time call. (Every year from Dec-Feb he is in another country with his family so we kinda do long distance for a bit. )So anyway, he is on FaceTime wishing me a happy new year and then suggests that we have a run through of the year, go over anything and everything that has happened and put everything on the table so that any resentment, confusion or concerns can be dealt with and we can go into the new year on a clean slate. I said yeah, good idea! Famous last words…

I told him a few things that had bothered me more than I admitted it did in moment over this past year, and he took accountability and apologised. Then it was his turn. He goes quiet for what feels like forever and after a thick heavy silence finally asks me, do you think ignorance is bliss? Confused, I answer no. He then says, do you think there are things that are unforgivable? My gut literally drops, “why are you asking me this?” I said sternly. “Baby I need to tell you something…”

He then proceeds to tell me that LAST YEAR (Dec 2023) (well it’s the 1st of 2025 at this point so 2 years ago technically but anyway) he made out with a girl in the club when he was away. Now… I knew he was having a hard time that month, he didn’t speak to ANYONE for almost 3 weeks straight, I barely even heard from him all month. He deleted his social media, took done all his music (most of his income is from his music) and went radio silent.I did my best to make sure he was okay but at one point it got too much for me. He just ignored me for weeks on end and I was hearing from family friends that he was locked in his room for days . So I called him up one day and said - I’m sorry I can’t do this, it is obviously not the right time to be in relationship if you can’t even communicate to me you need space or support.

I didn’t think he had cheated, but even at that point it was too much for me. He apologised and said that he had never had an episode like this before and that he was doing his very best. He promised that he would ask for help or support if it ever got that bad again and to improve in that area. So, I decided to give him another chance and we have been together since. Well turns out, disappearing for weeks wasn’t even half of it, he had cheated.

While telling me this on the phone he was literally sobbing saying that he knows it was wrong and selfish that he didn’t tell me and that he really wanted to but that he felt that his actions did not align with how he truly felt and said that during that time period he was not in the right headspace, finding any and every way to self destruct but that he is sorry. I said that I need some space to think and hung up. I was in disbelief that A he would make out with another girl all night in a club and B, that he has kept it from me for a year. That’s not just one selfish self-destructive drunken mistake - to not tell me for most of our relationship is kinda evil man.

I called him the next day with a looooong list of questions about the event and everything leading up to it. He answered every single one (she was a girl he had a thing with a few years ago, it only happened once, all they did was kiss) and read out a 3 page apology/accountability letter he had written after our call the previous day while sobbing profusely. Again I said thank for telling me but I still need to figure this out for myself.

And you would think that was the end of it right? NOPE. He texts me the next day while I’m at work saying he really needs to speak with me. I say I can’t pick up the phone but he can text me whatever it is, if it feels urgent enough. He then proceeds to send me a (im not even joking) a 24 min voice note explaining how he lied, that that he didn’t just make out with her - he went back to her hotel room with her and they had sex. He told her this after the act and went home crying. He woke up the next morning and told his mum he really needed to see his therapist which he did. He told the therapist everything and she proceeded to tell him that if he feels like it will never ever happen again and that it would only hurt me, then perhaps he should just keep it to himself. And yeah, that what he did.

He said that less than two months in it was eating him alive and tried to tell me various times but just kept backing out last min, feeling as if he has missed that window of opportunity. Then - which really really messed me up big time. And some other really messed up stuff happed over the span of 2025. I failed my course, my friend died, family member got diagnosed with a chronic illness. Like it was bad. And he supported me all through that, letting me stay at his place for weeks on end just crying and sleeping. He was there, made me any food I wanted, brushed my hair, let me basically take over is whole space for many months of this year. He said that he really wanted to tell me, but it just felt like one thing after the other and he wanted to be there for me. As soon and things started to die down a little (the end of the year) he felt like he could not go on into the next year without telling me - there was just no way. So he did, well he tried but didn’t tell me the whole truth. He then realised that he was just repeating the same mistake and that he had to understand that he would probably loose me but that he still needed to tell me the full truth, so he did in a voice note the next day.

Now personally infidelity is a no no for me. I made that clear from the very start and he feels the same way. That’s just too far - but I feel as if he has told me that night what happened I would have been more willing to try and rebuild trust. But a YEAR. A year he has been deceiving me, telling me he has by back and that I’m the one and I’m his best friend in the world - promising him that I can trust him with my whole heart unguarded. And that’s what I did, this last year I have given him every piece of myself. This last year I had considered that this is my person, someone I would want to raise a family with (I didn’t want to have kids until I met him), this is the man I could see myself marrying (I have refused to even consider marriage my whole life up until this point). And now, now I’m lost.

I feel as if he is truly sorry, and that it will never happen again. But I don’t know if I should be with someone who had to sleep with someone else to truly realise what he could be losing. I feel as if you should come to that conclusion through the shared experience of love. This is all so fresh so of course at the moment I can’t even look at his face without being attacked with thoughts and visuals of him and some faceless woman having sex in a hotel room. But annoyingly (and with thoughts and feelings equal in strength) I feel like I will never be truly known or seen like this again in a relationship, and that if what I believe is true (that he would never cheat again) we could still have such a fruitful and beautiful future. This guys was truly my best friend. I don’t want to have gone through all of this to just throw away something that still has so much potential for growth. But then also, where is my self respect right? And most importantly, will I be able to move past this if we did try again, would I be able give my all again? Probably yes if I’m completely honest, in time and with healing yes - but should I? I don’t want to choose him over my self love or self respect, but somehow I still feel as if a future together could be filled with so much joy.

If anyone has any advice or notes or just anything, anything at all please please please - I would be so grateful for any perspective on this.

(And no he isn’t a narcissist that is just manipulating me I swear - idk if yall will believe me but that’s not the situation I’m in I promise)

Should I approach this as a bump in a relationship that could still bring me a lifetime of joy, or as a lesson that I need to choose my self respect over potential happiness?

I think there should be a poll at the bottom of this somewhere? I’m not sure how this works. Should I: 1-stay or 2-leave