I don't really consider the abuse really, just the effects. I mean, OG trauma-giver died of his own sins which is kinda cool I guess. I only got involved with 2.0 because of OG (in both a "got addicted to being a victim" way and a circumstantial way), and I guess if I think of him I get pretty angry and want to be violent towards him but only because he's out there hurting others still (apparently a lot of others, and apparently he works with kids now so that's nice).

Both of them are/were just really broken people I feel sad for if I think about them. But now *I'm* the monster that 85% of the time I try to fix and the other 15% of the time I just as if not more efficiently destroy, but at least I put a lot of effort into directing the destruction towards myself or things instead of others when it feels uncontrollable. If I saw 2.0 in person again, I'm not sure if I could handle that situation without winding up in handcuffs or dead.

I still kinda have a bit of denial that anything was "abuse" or "neglect" or "trauma" or whatever they want to use for whatever situation though. I do know things weren't normal/right, but are things ever normal/right? I had a T go through different symptoms of trauma to try to convince me, but I still don't really believe there's anybody that doesn't have demons to that extent from their past--just some people are (currently) hiding them better, maybe they haven't in the past, maybe those demons come out when no one's looking and no one else sees any signs, maybe they'll be a big problem tomorrow. I mean, I was/am a lot, but if you saw me 10+ years ago you'd probably see someone on the fast track to greatness, not someone who would end up crying in the back of a police car last week and hasn't worked the same job more than 6 months consecutively, so you never really know.

I have a personality disorder too (borderline per current diagnosis), and anger is a weird symptom for me. I am usually the calmest of the clams, but also if a button is pressed there will with 98% certainty be some kind of consequence someone's not going to be happy with. Anger to me is energy and power, maybe even nuclear. I can use it as a motivating factor, but only if there's something immediate--not in 2 minutes, but THIS SECOND-- to be done and nothing is getting in my way. Something has to be done with it that requires equal proportions of the feeling to not suffer from it. A hundred jumping jacks and sprinting up the hill isn't going to solve a severe rage-episode when I haven't slept in three nights, have been dealing with other symptoms (esp. paranoia/anxiety, boredom, and having a hard time recognizing/rationalizing cognitively distorted thoughts), am in a relationship (maybe not even, but have and talk to what I guess is called a "favorite person" that I hate the phrase but hardcore recognize the idea as a problem with myself), and am having health and/or eating issues that make me more vulnerable, but it might help if it's cold and all that I was upset about is there not being the right kind of beans in the cabinet for my chili on one of my better days.

This lady at the psych unit kept drilling it in our heads that anger is a secondary emotion that we feel because it's "easier" to experience than whatever it's covering whether it be loneliness, sadness, grief, annoyance, hopelessness, etc. I don't know if it's purpose is to avoid the other emotion or to motivate us to do something about the other emotion personally (because who cares about experiencing or not experiencing the other emotion as long as you realize your body is telling you something is "wrong" to your head and you fix it? Kinda like does it practically matter if the infection is x, y, or z bacteria if the symptoms and treatment for all of them is the same?). Regardless, it's not good to have anger and just sit on it forever when emotions are indications of what is going on. On the other hand, it's not good to rashly act on any emotion especially if you have a harmful default response.
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This was long, but TL/DR: I don't think about past trauma consciously and therefore do not blame them and have forgiveness as a thing I feel I need to do/not do for them (but maybe because I blame myself I should work on forgiving or accepting myself now that I think about it), and emotions are what you make them.