I'm currently unemployed. The 6 month placement got scrapped because paperwork which was supposed to take a week to do, has been hit by delays after delays. I needed to collect signatures. The person I needed was on holiday for 2.5 weeks. The office lost something and wanted me to come and hand it in person again. I found someone who said they would do it on my behalf and she could do it on friday. Friday rolled around and she called saying she was sick. She promised 100% she'd go to the office on monday. On monday she wasn't answering my messages so I knew she hadn't done it. Then the office was closed for two weeks over Christmas and New Years. I found someone else who said she could hand it in but a week later. I couldn't submit a visa application until this was sorted first and that can take up to a month alone. I would have to pay for the visa application, 6 months of rent, food on top plus travel. I called it a day on it.

The delays and waiting in between meant I was free to come back the day after my mother had surgery (minor) to look after her, until she got better. So I stayed. Once she did get better again we were back to our usual relationship of being at a stalemate. I didn't have an issue with my weight until she started all the comments again. I've been paying rent for a place I haven't lived in for a month now. I will be going back on monday to pack up my stuff and then coming back to stay with my parents.

I started studying again and I've just been doing math sessions with the PhD tutor. I've done seven so far and I feel like that's been better than a month of therapy. It was twice this week and same for the previous week as well. He's been very encouraging and that motivates me to want to learn and study more in my own free time. That has been about laying a solid foundation first. We started working though exam papers. I like that I can see progress in real time. He said he would teach me calculus (clearly not there right now).

I always loved maths as a kid. I got a B at GCSE eventually, but I was called "slow" by a year 11 teacher and I feel like that stuck with me. I always felt like a failure after GCSES. I went to a school with a high A-A* % and being called it so many times I believed it, so relearning now has been helping to change the way I saw myself.

I still studied a little bit of medicine every other day to stop myself losing it.

Like the song "Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now ", I realize that there is no pleasing my mother. I spent so long trying to be who she wanted me to be. I'm in my early 30s now. When I wasn't a doctor it was all about reaching that goal. I also have an extra biomedical science degree. When I graduated it was just about my weight and hurtful comments about my looks and still being single. She wanted someone who was 100% obedient. When she was ill I made her breakfast in bed. I washed dishes and I cleaned like a good Asian daughter. There was still always something else.

It's been a long 10+ years.

I was going to apply for other jobs when I came back. I don't feel like I've had the chance to make any of my own choices. Perhaps I wanted to go into teaching for now or maybe I could be happy working in a nursery.