So, I’ve recently been seeing this guy, and he’s sweet, funny, smart, shares some of my interests… I really want to take things further with him. The thing is, he’s very easily triggered and traumatized. I know he was hospitalized because he said that, after he got out of the AF, It was unbearable for him. I really respect that he had the balls to take care of himself, and I’ve been hospitalized too, so I know what its like to be stigmatized for that. But we’ve only met three times so far. I was going to spend New Year’s Eve with him, and he told me at the last minute that he wasn’t ready. Fair enough, I can respect that. Fast forward to tonight— he was going to come over, and the next thing I know, he’s en route telling me he’s had a panic attack, is throwing up, and called a suicide hotline and the cops came to his car. Long story short, he went back home. I get that he’s been through a lot of trauma— i probably can’t understand most of the trauma he’s been through. I’m willing to be supportive. I want to understand. But I am also a bit frustrated. Are we ever going to get past this point? It’s not just about the sex— although I’ll admit it’s important to me, i genuinely want to get to know him better. And I am prepared to be there for him at his worst. But I just don’t know where we stand right now.

Also, I am without a job right now. The delivery job i had did not work out because i could not get comfortable driving the trucks. So I’m looking for a new job. I’ve been working with a career counselor, but this job market is freaky. I’m stressing about money (although i also did that when I was employed). I’m taking some jewelry courses at the local community college, and I’m both excited and stressed about that. Hopefully they will have some job leads. It was not an easy decision to return to school— actually, it’s something I’d been trying to avoid. But I’ve heard really good things about this college’s jewelry courses, and I will have the resources to improve and hone my skills. Also, as a community college, it’s more affordable than a lot of other options.

Overall, I know I should be grateful for everything i have, and for the most part, I am. I have a family. A roof over my head. A kitty. Friends and family. My life ahead of me. But I feel really confused and frustrated over the guy I’m seeing, and the lack of a job has left me a little rudderless. I really, really want to get my jewelry business off the ground. Maybe I should be thinking of this time as an opportunity to focus on that. It’s just hard not to stress.