Hello all, this is my first post on MSF. I'm not sure how long this might be, but I tend to write a lot about my feelings so you might be in for a lengthy read.

A bit of history - I have been scared and anxious my entire life. I was born into a broken home with parents who were more concerned with partying than taking care of the kid they never wanted. I was called a mistake and a problem since I started having memories. My folks split withing a year of my birth and both of them tried like hell to escape having to raise me, and when they couldn't get my grandparents to watch me, pay for me and otherwise care for me, they treated me like dirt. It was constant beratement and screaming about how I ruined their lives and I would never amount to anything and all I did was screw up and fail at anything I tried. This was the norm up until I was 30 years old, as I chose to be a caretaker for my very ill mother despite how she treated me. Only in the last 2 years of her life did she start actually loving me and stop talking down to me.

Fast forward to June 7, 2023, mom passed away (I will ultimately make a post about this event, as it's a contributor to my anxiety and depression but it's very complex and long). A family friend who was at the funeral approached me and asked me what I was going to do for a place to live and a job, and offered me a position at his RV shop. Considering I lost my home and all my belongings upon mom's death and I didn't have any avenues, I took the job despite not knowing the first thing about RVs. He helped me get a studio apartment that I stayed in for a few months, but rent was too high and I just couldn't make it work with what he was paying me. It's a small time operation so the pay is not great either. Boss offered me an older 5th wheel trailer that I could pay off at my own pace and I could park it at the shop where I could have free water and electricity. He was (and still is) doing everything he could manage to help me out since we're like family. My situation remains the same today, I still live at the shop where I work. I'm here alone and watch after the property after hours and work during the day.

Now here's where I get to the anxiety part of this longwinded post. I have always been afraid of failure, largely due to any time I messed up even the smallest thing, the amount of trouble I would get in was ludicrously out of proportion. Now I have nobody to yell at me, my boss is far too soft spoken to get on to me, as are my co-workers most of the time, but it's so ingrained into my soul that one screw up will result in immediate full blown punishment that I'm always shaky and scared to death to even try to complete a repair regardless how simple it might be. If I have time to stop and think about it, I know that nobody is going to fly off the handle and get in my face and fire me even if I mess up, but there isn't usually time to stop and analyze things like that during work so I'm constantly a ball of nerves to the point I can't think or function properly and actually end up making mistakes.

Even as I sit and type this post and wonder if it's too long and anybody looking at it might be annoyed that I write so much to get a point across, I am dreading having to wake up tomorrow and go 100 yards over to the shop to work. I spend every evening after work stuck contemplating and fearing having to go the next morning. The only time I have that I can stop being so anxious is Friday nights and Saturdays, and that's only if I know my boss isn't going to call me with a request or that I might have to deal with a customer after hours. In all actuality, I'm actually a lot more capable than I give myself credit for, and most of the things I do I can do well, but the anxiety is supremely dominant no matter how many times I tell myself there's nothing to worry about.

I can't say that I particularly like the work itself. It's dirty. There's sewer work (its worse with an RV than residential plumbing. There's holding tanks. Ewww) and lots of laying on the ground in oil, dirt and mud, and sometimes {ahem}waste. Its also physically demanding and I've had a few severe injuries in my past that limit how much I can do. My back is fried and it can be a problem with some tasks. I know I can do the work with quality though and even though it's not what I prefer, I can at least survive on what I make here. My whole question is: do I feel like I can't stand this job because I don't like the work itself, or is it just the anxiety that I want to end? The reason this is important is because I am reaching the point that I need to make a decision on whether I'm going to settle for this being my life, or do I want to keep my hopes and dreams of having a good paying welding job and a nice big home?

I am not satisfied with this post and I don't feel like I conveyed the question I'm asking properly, but I've written so much at this point that I've worked myself into a frenzy and I just want to hit submit so that I can stop being scared of judgment from you guys. Dang anxiety never leaves me alone, not even when I sleep. I don't even want to go to sleep because that means I have to go to hell (work) sooner. I just want to be able to function without feeling this way every second of every day. I'm sorry this is so long and convoluted. I think too hard and too fast to be able to put my thoughts to paper, or in this case, a screen, and it creates half-baked posts such as this.

I'd be grateful for any feedback or thoughts anyone has about what I was able to get out. I kind of want to go make a few more posts about some other things really affecting my current life, but maybe I should only do one at a time before I get the whole forum upset with me. Yall have a good night.