I feel like a monster too.but intent is a big thing the step between wanting/fantasizing to do something and actions are two different things. You are a good person. Despite the fighting and all the **** you've been through. You can not cause a suicide unless you were actively helping and even then I could argue. Enabling is misguided love.

I know waking up is hard. Fighting is hard, it's okay to drift a little and come back, rest and recharge but don't give in.