I was trying to, I don't know, just be stupid I guess so I
but here I am. Before I called my team's urgent line, first time I was told "just try things," (lmao ok why didn't I think of that?), and then two hours later I figured I was too distressed to deserve a call back so I did that thing.

I have a physical today too, ughhhhh! I need to make a list of stuff to do today so I'm not doing dumb stuff. I keep feeling like I should work on my BPD workbook, but I'm at this part where there are two: "My dysfunctional belief is that_____, but it's untrue because______" but I think I set myself up for failure because I put my first dysfunctional belief is that I'm incapable and unworthy of healthy love, and I can't figure out how that's not true. The second one is "if I weren't a gigantic failure, I'd be doing better at this 'life' thing." and that's just plain fact too, I don't care if it's dysfunctional.

Maybe food and a shower are good ideas right now.