Here is the story and please -if you got the time- send me your thoughts and advice because the whole thing is bringing me down in a bad way.
The department where I work at some point hired this new guy. Amazing good looks! Fell for him right away but never said a thing. He would never look my way. He always picked the really thin, sophisticated-looking girls. I'm a bit more full. He has had thousands of girlfriends! I knew he was really unstable and that all he was looking for was sex with all of them.
We were somewhat friends. At least we spoke to each other frequently and it was always quite pleasant. With time I had removed him from my head as an option because I knew that he was not the stable guy I was looking for. One night, a year ago, there was this party. As always, I would watch him make moves on another random girl, which he would later leave with. Something happened to me that night, I can't explain. I found myself volunteering to be "that girl". I watched myself move over to him, dance with him and then I asked him if I can take him home with me!!!!!!! I should tell you all that this isn't me at all. I am very conservative, very shy, always waiting for "the one". Believe me, I also was watching myself do all this and I couldn't believe it. I knew he would say yes and I knew I was going to be the "director" of what followed........
The thing is this....we had fun....he seemed really ok and for a couple of days he spoke to me normally. Then the following week he sent me an SMS saying "r u in for company?". I thought he wanted to spend time with me, maybe have dinner and watch tv. As soon as he came he started to make advances for sex. I was upset to discover this. For some reason I had tricked my brain thinking that "oh he wants to come over!!!, maybe he likes me!!! maybe I won't be alone anymore! I found somebody!!!".
I caved. I hadn't been with anyone for more than 4 years and the only thing that made me go for it is the thought "yea....when is this ever going to happen again plus this guy is gorgeous!??". I didn't care. I knew that I was another score for him but here is the thing....he was nice the first time this happened, all slow and tender, as if I Was with somebody that loved me. The second time, he was a totally different person. He made me feel more like a human toilet, as soon he was done he wanted to leave, he didn't even want to talk or anything. This was so weird. I had never seen him like this before, and to think that we were friends before.
After this second time he stopped speaking to me. I would go close to him and ask him if he's alright, if he's doing ok. He would just say "yea, fine" and that was it. For 1 year we don't speak. I've been feeling like a stain, like something ugly and totally unwanted. I know what you will say "I brought it on myself". But can anyone explain why he isn't talking to me? He has dated 4-5 different women since then. With those women he spends time. He goes out with them, he dines with them, spends quality time to get to know them. Yes, it makes me jealous but I knew he would never pick me. However, 6 months later around 2am he sends me several more SMSs saying that he misses me and that he would come sleep beside me and that being with me was so good. I said no to this. I thought...."it took you 6 months to miss me?" I guess this was a booty call? Or a booty SMS? I made myself a booty call didn't I?
I've so alone for years now. Can't seem to find anybody (I'm 30). Nobody wants me. So in some way, I was looking for human contact and I placed myself on a dish just to have another human with me, even for a little while. But now the price that I'm paying is that he won't speak to me and when he walks into the room he always never sees me either. Not even a hello, and his eyes always pass over me as if I am a ghost. This is what really hurts. I gave him the best of me, and now I'm a ghost. All for having some time with him.
Has anybody out there seen a character like this? How should I behave towards him? Should I go ask him why he's doing this? Should I tell him that this is hurting me? Should I keep trying to say hello even when his eyes pass over me?
Sorry for the lengthy letter. Please, if you can, help me out.