T and MD now work in the same clinic and are kind of ganging up on me to be more active in the community and get me involved in a lot of the programs the clinic offers. For starters there's yoga. Now i have issues (heh -no joke) and yoga brings up several of them; body image, clothes, being touched, being seen.... then there's the anxiety of being aroud people as well as my own internal nightmares, depression, panic attacks....
So, here's me in yoga, a class of 2, already in a bad state. By day i've been having anxiety, by night - mania. Today in yoga I start crying and trying not to be seen. I didn't get any sleep and my body feels like it belongs to an out of shape 90 year old instead of a 30 yr old. Also due to yesterday's anxiety, i consumed coffee and chocolate (two major allergies). So i'm REALLY on my game today. ...and right now feel like i have a blocked artery.
Yesterday I called MD with my updates (who just got back in to town, who i have missed terribly). So I am in yoga, comepletly out of it, thinking about MD and how she's somewhere in this bldg *right now*, listing to my message. I finally get through the 1.5 hour yoga class (with the teacher having to say the name of the system often to get me to stay present) and walk out of there feeling ill-prepared for the world, emotional, and wanting to hide. But i have to pay my $10 for yoga. At the point where I realize I have to face ppl (with my eyes all puffy) i hear the name of the system be called and my head acts of its own volution, snapping around on my neck in response before i even know what is happening. I find 3 ppl staring at me. Instantly i switch into the host and in a different voice than i have been using all day i say "HI!" Turns out my MD was really on the ball this morning and has her new ast. there with 2 of my supplements and the medication samples on the counter. I didn't even know this would be happening . I had told MD i was trying to make it to Monday yoga (and infact, nearly didn't make it out of bed this morning). So there are all these ppl, there are my lexapro in a brown bag with the lable up so now everyone in the office knows what I am taking (feeling a little weird about that, I admit), and I am stunned, shocked and paying $65 instead of just $10.
After paying, i gather all these items, then went to the bathroom and broke down crying. Silly - but I didn't know what was going on right then - I was overwhelmed by something as simple as my dr having all my needs met before I am even prepared for it. Then i collect myself and try to sneak out - only to be delayed by the front counter gal figuring out when I will be back in... which will be all too soon.... Wed I start yoga for depression. So it will be like half support group (something I've never done) and half yoga class. Then back again that night for therapy. And maybe, if I haven't broken down completely (and can still walk) back thursday morning for "restorative yoga".

Sorry - had to tell someone .... and you lucky folks are it.
Still feeling overwhelmed. And yet sort of ok, and exhausted, irritable, weird that the office knows what all I am taking, relieved that I have what i need early, and trying to figure out trust issues and a whole lot of other things i can't quite name.

Sorry this is so long... processing.... Kiya