Update: on a more positive note, the mere fact that I managed to write that outline is a huge progress. I wouldn't have been able to do that last time I was on these boards. It's quite useful to see it like that. Also, the length of the paragraphs and especially the number of *-s is a good indicator of what I still need to work on I'm surprised how much anger I still had over this. Turns out that good-naturedly discussing in next therapy how angry I was didn't do much to actually release that anger. Swearing on message boards does a much better job

I mean, to be fair, when she was good, she was good. But that made it feel all the more like a betrayal when she just wouldn't / couldn't. And it sucks that we couldn't get to the bottom of these transferences and projections and whatnot, feels like there's something important still buried there. And the same sort of transference didn't develop with my next T - which is mostly a relief, but on the flip side it limited our ability to really dig into it Anyway, I don't regret persisting with this, because I got some things out of it that I needed badly and likely would not have gotten otherwise. It's kind of like overpaying 10x and getting stabbed in the process, but still feeling like it was an OK deal ... made slightly better or slightly worse (depending on my frame of mind) by the fact that she was probably nursing a black eye in the aftermath I should probably take a tally, it might be helpful in the same way writing the overview was, but ... not now.

I did email her BTW, literally just saying that I've been thinking of her/don't think that's a good direction ATM/I have a reason to think this'll help/hope it's no trouble/feel free to ignore (only slightly more formal than that). I think it did help, though not exactly in the way I hoped.