Yeah, that's weird. I'm pretty sure both of us found (or still find, at least in my case) it difficult to let go of this relationship. And I know trauma bonding is a thing, and some of my difficulty came from that, but it's also a lot more complex than that, because transference and because of the way I was (am) using the relationship. Even so, I don't know if I 'd had the guts to contact her out of the blue (after that one attempt when I started seeing next T), it might have felt too inappropriate, because boundaries, and also her obviously closed off attitude. So in a way it was convenient that she kept showing up in the store, since it gave me an excuse to make further attempts at communication which in turn helped to process and articulate my feelings.

In a way it was hurtful as well, because stuff kept being dredged up more than it would have otherwise (in fact, next T thought it was odd she didn't stop coming in at least after the first email I sent her) ... but I think it was for the better. 'Helping' me bury that stuff would not in fact have helped, and this way I was both forced to deal with it and given a 'pass' to keep using the (supposedly therapeutic) relationship in ways I thought were therapeutic. I mean, it'd have been a great deal more therapeutic if she engaged in meaningful communication, and her repeated refusal to do so hurt a lot, but I still preferred it to the stereotypical 'boundaried' therapist reaction. Mind you, at each point I made it clear that if she asked me to stop contacting her, I would. She never took me up on it.

I guess I might work in super weird ways? I certainly find myself going against conventional wisdom a lot. Not to say it always works out, and I certainly struggle not to doubt myself while doing so. But the only sensible option at this point is to keep trusting my gut, which tells me to do whatever is most likely to keep the connection alive, while not letting myself dwell on it too much.

At least if I **** up, I'll actually learn something, as opposed to wondering once again 'what would have happened if', lol.