Hmm, what to share. I've not been on here for quite a few years, life meandered all over, and for the most part, I was in the driver's seat and doing ok. I keep wanting to refer to this place as PC. I recently blew up a friendship (due to some narcissistic advice combined with an episode) with my very dear and close best friend of over a decade and it doesn't seem to be repairable. There are many things to be grateful for in life, and I've needed to pull back in a lot of areas due to being on the edge of an incredibly dark hole which I have no desire to come back from. Scared of myself at the moment, and very aware of my strengths and weaknesses when it comes to keeping an equilibrium. The feeling of human disconnection and lack of purpose has thwacked me in a way I've not felt in many years. Getting help, I'm not getting traction anywhere and, whilst I have been asking for help with medications for over 12 months, this is an acute period for me where I need to withdraw to keep others and myself safe. Paranoia and hallucinations are features I've not experienced to this level in probably a decade. I've a lot of skills when it comes to reframing language and thoughts, so there's a huge battle going on at the moment, allowing these thoughts (actions to an extent) without judging them as bad, whilst knowing I am one situation away from not breathing on the planet. Have you ever convinced yourself that you're ok, you've got this under control, its going to be ok, only to be shocked by thoughts and behavior when circumstances arise that take you by surprise?