I have anxiety. Quitting smoking is making it that much more apparent to me just how much I suffer from anxiety. It is almost debilitating. Not quite, but almost. I am not doing that much work at work. I am doing the bare minimum.

And yesterday, I had a very difficult client call. I had to confront the fact that our communications have sucked and that there's been a lot of communication problems resulting in a lot of unnecessary work being done on their end. I was very direct, matter of fact and straight to the point without any softness in tone about it over email. When my client first got on the call after reading that email, he opened with "WOW".... I had to interject at that point to save the relationship and conversation from going south and from him interpreting my tone negatively and defensively. I interjected by saying that there is no finger pointing here at either party, and I have a couple solutions we can hopefully agree on. And, I saved the conversation from going south, he did not become defensive, and at the end of the call, we were in alignment with the solutions.

So I got anxious about how my tone at work generally is. And my tone could definitely be taken as harsh and perhaps even condemning, particularly in writing but I think even when I speak out loud.

And, I think this comes from a lifetime of abuse and bullying. I often have to stand up for myself and what I am proposing as being a good idea and change for the company, and I have to self advocate at work. I often propose thoughts and ideas that get shot down - and when they are first shot down, I try to lobby for the idea to get implemented. Once it's final and clear that they aren't budging, I back down. I am going against the grain of the whole company, and this places me naturally at a disadvantage in my job from the start. My ideas have to be approved by many stakeholders; and I have to sometimes push to get my ideas heard, accepted, and then implemented, when I firmly believe that it's the right thing to do. I do work, and then it is undone. I am not brought in or consulted when there are changes made on the website and I get slighted by that. I take it personally, when I think it. more so has to do with the company not educated enough or conditioned to take what I do into consideration when it comes to website design.

So, back to anxiety - I have a LOT of anxiety due to my job. I have to fight to be heard and respected, my boss does not like me nor does another superior, I work against the norm at the company, and I am alone in what I do, except for the external agency partners who do partner with me on my workload.

And it's staring me stark in the face just how anxious I am. The outcome of my annual review and bonus amount is pending and won't be finalized until after March 1. This process is making me anxious. My boss makes me anxious.

And quitting smoking and dieting is just incredibly freaking hard right now, when I face so much anxiety about work.

I have an anxiety medication I take as needed. Maybe I should take it daily for a while. That's one solution. I also listen to meditative relaxing music every morning and watch meditation videos. I need to exercise - that's missing. But I also work on deep breathing sometimes too when I feel anxious. I cannot get a therapist - that's not possible.

I don't know what else I can try to help lesson all this anxiety I feel over my job, my boss, my review, my bonus, my future at the company, etc?