Dear ex T, it's been a long long long time since I wrote to you on here but I'm not sure where else to go with this. I have been so grateful that we stayed in touch, and also hopeful that it might one day develop naturally into something a little more than it is right now, but I think I lost a lot of that hope last year, which is sad. Especially when you said that you would love to meet up again, but instead decided to follow the advice of your supervisor and decline.

When I gave you the book for Christmas I don't think I truly understood it's meaning for me. It was just a beautiful story that had huge relevance, though I think I've only recently realised the depth of that relevance. I think it might have been a way of me saying goodbye to you.

As much as I don't want that, I also don't want to be the only one who initiates contact. I don't want just one message exchanges. I don't want to continue this knowing that it will probably never be more than that.

I feel weird saying that because part of me is so grateful for what we do have. Part of me feels so loved simply because I know this was always difficult morally for you and yet we have made it work anyway. Part of me wants to take whatever is on offer here..

But the story makes much more sense if I read it with letting you go in mind. My time now. My time to care for a new life and find my own way, without you.

I don't know. I miss you so much and still think of you almost every day, but I think that is normal given the work we did and relationship that we had.

Anyway, that's all I think. Time will tell, as is so often the case......